not quite original

it's been real.

2011-07-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

after four sporadic years on blogger, our time has come: we are breaking up.

you can find me here, tumbling along.

and a new chapter begins.

and the wanderlust soul i have.

2011-07-23T09:53:00.001-07:00

it should come as no surprise to anyone who has been following this (rather sparse of late) blog for some time that i have this overwhelming need for adventure. i struggle with the still, the settled. since moving to austin i have done an adequate job at remaining constantly in motion, sleeping too little, and laughing much. in between and throughout all of that, i am diligently working away on the little coffee home to be, vintage heart. before the shop has doors and windows and seats to share, i need to get lost. i need to adventure this pretty country we have been blessed with. i'm hitting the road.

here is a little outline of my trip.

i will be exploring the highway lines for twelve days. i will sit at tables of long time friends and travel from home to home. i will walk my sweet friend becca's little ones (who are not so little these days) to school then share coffee and scones with a soul i first met in an airport terminal so many years ago. i will meet up in denver for little sleep and too much conversation with a friend who at one time seemed unlikely, but now i can't imagine life without.

i will get lost in portland with a new friend, who inspires me and i so look forward to learning more while we hike those northwestern mountains and streams.

a best friend will fly to meet me and journey the entire left coast as we head south on the familiar pacific coast highway. i will breathe easily in a city that welcomed me so warmly and healed my soul. i will cut through the southwest, a familiar landscape i have learned to find the beauty in and quickly find myself home. here in austin.

as you would expect, a mix of sorts is being put together for this voyage. it's currently at about 5 hours of playing time, so i'm trying to cut it back a bit for the downloaders out there who aren't planning on burning to five cd's. be looking for it in the next few days, it will be here shortly.

until then, be well, pretties.

i think love

2011-07-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

hides behind gates that look like this.

color me summer.

2011-06-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

t's here, it's here! summer has finally graced us with her flawlessly blue skies and steady temperatures above 100. i had the opportunity last weekend to play with bella and tess as well as my pretty friend shannon. here is a little bit of summer for you.

oh, and here is a little sample of summer color.

premature pta.

2011-05-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

these days i spend the majority of my time playing barbies, brushing hair and saying, 'stop, that's not nice.' 'use your inside voice.' and 'it's not polite to tell miss mallory that she has a big butt. time out.'

all this time around kids has made me seriously question whether or not i want them. ever. however, i find myself at the ripe age of 24ish and the people i love are announcing new pregnancy after new pregnancy. everywhere you turn, there are fetus trackers on facebook (which, for the record, i have absolutely no interest in knowing how many inches long your fetus is and which random body parts it has at this stage) and shower invites.

consequently, i have found myself engaging in 'mommy talk.' you know, the 'oh goodness, sarah is just talking so much and little ryan is crawling like you wouldn't believe.' i find myself discussing disciplinary techniques and fighting over whether cloth diapers are better than disposable (which they are. MUCH better. seriously). i hide in the bathroom from children so i can just get a break only to be asked, 'miss mallory did you wash your hands!' yes. yes i did.

while my days usually leave me exhausted and offering to sell my uterus for a small business loan, i have learned one (okay, two) things.

enjoy the ride.

whatever stage of life you find yourself in, enjoy the ride. me? i'm not anywhere near to being ready to start a family and that's okay. i am single, trying to start a business and in no way can i think of being a mother to anything more than my handicapped dog and coffee. i need to revel in this season and gain from it wisdom and experience that will (god willing) help to define how i love people in my life.

be thankful.

i recently found out that an acquaintance of mine from when i worked at fossil passed away during child birth. she was not much older than me and was in great health. she was forced to do an emergency c-section and she didn't make it. her baby is alive and well as is her husband, but now both find themselves without the woman they love.

while we find ourselves at the stage in life where everyone is announcing those new bundles of joy, i think it is important to embrace this news with reverence; this child is a gift and everyone's lives are about to change drastically. this is something so wonderfully heavy, in my opinion.

i may not be ready now or ever to bring a little munchkin into this world (i do daydream about adopting thought) but for those of you who are, my heart swells. i hope that this chapter in your life is fully encompassed in love from those around you and within your relationships. oh, and you should use cloth diapers.

happy place.

2011-04-25T15:50:00.001-07:00

as promised, here are a (very) few pictures of my new space.

creative corner/desk

littlethings.

slowly becoming home.

if you have been around my blog for a while, you will notice that the wall of chaos looks similar to one in my old place. i had a little more space and wanted to see how i could pseudo-recreate it since i loved it so much. also, most walls i have around me end up turning into blank canvases for vintage heart design ideas. im sure my landlords love me.

let me know what you think. me? i love the baby steps this place is taking to be home.

p.s. please excuse the horrendous editing.

hipster granny.

2011-04-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

upon arriving in austin, i learned that the term 'hipster' describes a particular character not well received. i say, 'i love those crazy hipsters! bring on the ray bans and american spirits!' hey, if it weren't for the 'hipsters,' the gourmet coffee world may not exist as we know it. okay, okay, i'll stop defending the walking urban outfitters advertisements and get to the point.

i have always been drawn to a somewhat vintage style. not always necessarily in my clothing choices, but most certainly in my home decor. perhaps this is convenient, as i often refuse to buy anything to decorate and insist upon upcycling and repurposing anything i possibly can. today, the day i didn't have work, actually got enough sleep, and drank too much coffee, was the day i took my roommate's bachelor pad and introduced it to me: the hipster granny.

here are some of the little accents i created today:

our quaint fireplace.

coffee beans, buttons, vintage saucers, ribbons, sparkling water bottles. simple.

buttons too.

go forth and make pretty.

**please note, i either already had everything i needed (the ribbons, coffee beans, saucer) or found them (baby food jars from the family i nanny for). i spent 4.99 on candles at ross.

premature.

2011-04-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

as we find ourselves battling the yellow layer of pollen that has covered well, everything, i find myself in wait. waiting for summer. is it here yet? what about now? now?

i know, embrace the day mallory. i'm working on it. but until then, i'll continue to carry around my sundress and swim suit for any barton springs moments that may arise.

oh, and i'm listening to this. so for just today, let's skip to summer, ok? ok.

cheers, loves.

p.s.! track two is stupid good, just hold out for it. promise.

new spaces.

2011-03-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

notice anything different?

thanks to abby for using her photoshop magic to make this new header for me after i so kindly dumped two files in her inbox saying 'help please.' head over to her design lab, she has really incredible work and i am always thoroughly impressed with what she comes up with. not to mention she is completely self-taught in design.

anyhow.

how are you? well, i hope.

slowly but surely i am creating a mallory shaped space in this littlebig city of austin. i spent the majority of my morning sorting through buckets of old photos i recovered from a dusty storage unit in fort worth. for a large portion of my adolescent life, i was under the impression that there was not much documentation of neither my mother's childhood or my own. i don't really recal my mom being much of a picture taker, so it didn't surprise me. however, my grandparents managed to capture a few of those 'missed' moments. with this discovery, comes new ideas for framed photography, new concepts for the walls of vintage heart and the warming of the space i call my own in this new house of mine.

i posted a picture late last year showing off my 'creative space.' i must admit, i am very partial to how that little corner in the hood turned out and have been trying to recreate it as best i can here. but nothing is ever quite as it was in the past. nothing ever fits in exactly the same way when you try to plant it somewhere else.

i'll post the newest 'creative space' once i feel like it's complete. until then, i hope you enjoy the new space of 'not quite original.' be well.

oh! and here is one more thing i discovered this morning:

i have always been, without a doubt, entirely uncoordinated.

settle down.

2011-03-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

isn't that what we all want? to settle down? get married, find a perfect house in a neighborhood with great schools (which is a topic of debate in tx right now anyway) and pop out a couple kids.. i mean, bring 2 little blessings into this world.

perhaps.

while most of my friends may be there, i'm not.

so for now, i'm getting settled into this new place. upon arriving, magoo managed to somehow get attacked by some sort of bird and is still in limbo as to whether or not he will keep an eye. yes. it was a great first couple of weeks to say the least.

i spend my time split between vintage heart and two little munchkins i nanny for. while trying to create a space for myself in my new house, i'm desperately trying to find the new home for my coffee shop. (*which may have been located) between crunching numbers (that i generally make up because i'm terrible at business and math) and eating too much queso and chips, i find my heart in neutral.

new friends fill the gap between the ones i find on the left coast. music is shared when words aren't. the humid spring-ish nights are nostalgic and hopeful.

more later, i'm sure. i just know karen was going to remove me from her google reader if i didn't update soon..and we can't have that <3

you're not an orphan.

2011-02-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

okay, well, in all actuality, i am. i mean, technically speaking.

i have spent a good portion of my life being an island. offering myself to others when they need love, coffee, music or an open heart has been a joy of mine for years. but you? no, you stay over there. i will handle this on my own. you call me when you need something, i'll be just fine over here.

no longer.

i know i have written about this before. this idea that no one really is ever 'fine' when they are sobbing and have mascara running down their face. boys, if you have ever been sobbing with mascara down your face we probably still need to have a conversation, and i doubt it will revolve around the tears.. i digress.

i made a tough decision around the end of november. i chose austin, tx as home to my newest adventure. i love LA. it was not only a home to me, but a place of healing, a place where i found myself and found beauty in who i am. a place where everyone is so inspired it was almost irritating. almost.

but austin is people. my people. people who have, despite the odds, decided to stick it out with me. austin has always been my escape from reality. in college i would drive off in the middle of the night to crash on a couch of a couple close friends, knowing that in the morning we would eat queso and chips with pancakes and shitty coffee for breakfast and the world would slow down for a short while.

so, back to this decision. yes, it was difficult to leave LA. yes, it was EXTREMELY difficult to finally select a place for vintage heart. the most challenging thing? choosing to let those, who have been knocking down my door for years, in. let them be family. to let them see me stumble and fall and have days where i feel i have conquered the world. to trust that i will irritate them, and they will still be there. to know that they know my heart and soul so thoroughly that they won't let me fall away.

on the trip here, by way of an '03 eclipse with a best friend and a handicapped dog, i snuck in a sunrise at the grand canyon. i haven't ever been there and to say that it was 'grand' would be cheap. it was, shockingly, 5 degrees.

let that soak in for a second.

five. five degrees.

okay.

while the snow covered bluffs lead way to the never ending canyon, i took a moment. i laid down two pairs of shoes. one of my own, and one that belonged to my mother. she loved the desert and adventure, so it seemed like only the perfect moment to leave a bit of her. i will leave it there, as i would much rather share the story with you over an americano with a splash of cold soy, but here is a little snap of the moment. i hope it strikes you as an encouragement. we aren't in this alone.

when finally set free.

love and be love. austin style.

cheers.

2011-02-21T07:45:00.001-08:00

LA, it's been real.

i leave my favorite left coast tomorrow morning for what promises to be quite the adventure. rather than write and entirely too-long and mostly dramatic post about what this change may or may not mean, how about this..

eastward we go

some tunes for the road. or your cubicle. whatever, as long as you dance.

a stop at the grand canyon, as many terrible diners as i can find, and a welcome embrace from some of my favorites in austin are on the itinerary. last chance to hop on, any takers?

everything starts where it ends.

2011-02-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

pack up and move. it's good for the soul.

see you soon, 512.

passive aggression at work.

2011-01-31T06:16:00.000-08:00

please consider this my two-week notice.

cheers!

beauty in the everything.

2011-01-29T08:56:00.000-08:00

each day contains a new chance to find a glimpse of beauty. i suppose it's just a matter of whether or not we're willing to see it.

lines.

littlethings.

sunset at salton sea.

find it in yourself too. it's important.

message saved as draft.

2011-01-27T08:35:00.001-08:00

i have been quoted at saying, 'i'm a crazy person.' while the meaning behind what i'm actually trying to say and what gets interpreted may be some what blurred in translation.. sometimes i really feel like a crazy person.

hm? why?

sometimes i feel like the way that i see the world, feel moments (i.e. beauty and sunshine, nature and live shows), and hear music are impossible for me to describe; as though no one else on the planet truly understands how it hits me, how i feel. maybe it's really just my words that fail me, that make it impossible for me to really describe the moment. maybe it's a slight bit of insecurity in wondering if you (or person i am trying to tell) will think i really am a crazy person, who has taken their passion for music a little too far. or maybe it's because some things are just meant to be that close to you, that impossible to share. maybe some things are simply meant to be a little moment in time just for you. to make your heart sing.

well, i had a moment. and i HAD to share. people come and go, and my heart for them rarely changes. i find myself writing a lot of letters (or thinking about writing a lot of letters) to people who i 'shouldn't' talk to anymore. old friends, old flames, you name it. so on this day, i wrote a message to try and describe this moment... but saved is as draft. it never got sent and i guess, other than this little blog, won't be sent. i don't know that the original person it was intended for will ever receive the message, but..i'll share it with you. because i think if we can try to describe those holy-crap-did-you-see/hear/feel-that-too moments, maybe we won't feel so crazy. so, in taking the risk of sounding like a total nerd, here is the message i never quite sent:

sometimes its like I can't turn the music loud enough. I just want it to be bigger and louder and resonate deeper in my soul. How is that even possible..to love something so much, to wish to pull beauty that near.. I guess I'll keep turning it louder, until ifigure it out.

this song (below) is what prompted the original message. there is no doubt, especially if you know me, that there are an unending list of songs that fill the role of making my heart just-about-explode. this one, however, is just stupid beautiful. take a moment and listen to all of it. then feel free to tell all of your friends about the new irishman you just fell in love with.

too much pretty.

2011-01-25T16:12:00.000-08:00

soak it up.

the red dust settles.

2011-01-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

here is the video from my time in uganda. i have been thinking of the hearts i shared life with there quite often as of late. please excuse the shotty film making skills, but do take a moment to experience a little bit of my heart. a little bit of my story, that i am so thankful to call my own.

mixed media.

2011-01-13T23:09:00.000-08:00

a girl inside a voice.

2011-01-10T00:45:00.000-08:00

i love words. i mean, really love them. i use them as my love language. i stretch to find new and more detailed ways to express myself, geek out on trying to incorporate new vocabulary, and attempt to create better descriptions of the world as i perceive it. i would say that, generally speaking, i'm a fairly good communicator. but, they're just words.

at the end of the day, or the sentence in this case, i'm just a girl behind the voice.

i think it is easy to forget that the world we read about from our ever so reliable facebook newsfeed, the blogs we follow and the tweets we plug into are merely an introduction. we must find the person behind those feeble words. look beyond the ideas they are projecting and invest in them, in their life; we must remember that words are ideas, and people are people.

i feel as though this is coming out as a circular thought. i find that quite irritating being as which i'm attempting to be explicit and succinct.. given the context and the aforementioned love for words. well, sometimes they fail me.. and sometimes i will fail you, just the same way that in those rare and precious moments when our words surprise us and say exactly what we need them to, i'll surprise you.

maybe thats why i find so much solace in music. taking in each word as it hits me, where i'm at, and in turn trying desperately to imagine where they (the artists) were at when they penned them. i mean, ke$ha..

words carry weight. those same words are only a brief representation of the someone behind them. be aware of moments you find yourself loving the idea behind them more than the person saying them. we are all guilty and we can all be better, after all, i'm just a girl inside a voice. well, a girl who can't wait to hear what you have to say, to hear a little of your heart.

use your words well, and love well.

OH! and listen to this. some songs of now, a sample of my tireless hope. a snapshot of what i dance around my apartment to. you are welcome for that visual.

let's get coffee

2011-01-05T10:44:00.001-08:00

as many of you know, i have always been somewhat of a dreamer. you can typically find me looking into or talking with someone about some 'big idea' and how i can't wait to see the potential it has. this post will lead you to the fruition..or rather, one of the many steps along the way, of one of those dreams.

vintage heart

i remember sitting on a bed in chicago while on the phone to a heart in texas the night before departing for a month long journey to uganda. i said to this person, 'i know it might sound crazy, but i want to open a coffee shop one day. i'm going to call it vintage heart.'

and so the journey begins.

i am so fortunate to have more than a handful of encouraging people running full force with me. i hope you join in. head over to the coffeehome's humble little site and click around. updates will be made periodically as to the progress and all the steps along the way.

so let's get coffee. my place, 2012.

a year in progress.

2011-01-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

happy january, all.

for most this is the time to reflect briefly on the previous year and run with reckless abandon towards the year that has just graced us with it's presence. while i support running with reckless abandon towards the unknown, i find myself about three months in.

hm? you ask.. let me explain.

Sleeping At Last, a band for whom i have held in my heart for so long, has been participating in what they call "the yearbook project." the concept is simple: 3 songs each month for one year. each release includes a digital booklet and music that reaches your soul. So far we are 12 songs in. 12 gloriously hopeful, heartbreakingly perfect songs in.

In october when the first chapter of the yearbook released, a friend and i decided we would share this. you know, each month trade back and forth who purchased this month's release and then unabashedly nerd out over every intricacy of each never-quite-long-enough song.

so here i am.
i find myself in the midst of a year in progress.

while 'january' was purchased on my own and shared with no one, the boys from SaL have impressed me once more. i'm a words person, ya know, so lyrics find their way into my heart and seemingly create a home there. SaL..you're home is getting very big, lyrically speaking. throughout each song you not only journey with them as they pour their hearts out to you with a mandolin and piano as the soundtrack, they speak hope. i encourage you to head their way and listen for yourselves.. below are a few favorites from my yearbook.

October:[Next to Me] *there is so much beauty to this song i really struggle in choosing one ... or two parts to point out.
oh our futures were written with crayons and coloring books,
it was misspelled and outside the lines, and we loved how it looked.
like the crooked hem of your favorite childhood dress,
and the holes in my jeans from years of carelessness.
i know since we've grown, we ache for those memories.
honestly, nothing has even compared to you next me.

well it took a million wrong notes just to find a single melody key.

if time is money, then i'll spend it all for you.
i will buy you flowers, with the minutes we outgrew.
i'll turn hours into gardens, planted just for us to tend
i'll be reckless with my days, building castles in your name.

November: [101010]
'cause grey is not a compromise- it is the bridge between two sides
the shores on which our stubborn land and restless seas collide.
grey is not just middle ground, it is a truce that waits to be signed.
i would even argue that, from where we stand, it most represents the color of God's eyes.
so, let's fold our atlas into paper places.
change is slow, but i feel it taking shape.

December [Accidental Light] *just grab coffee and read the entire booklet for december. its perfect.
though it's all been said, and this empty dictionary is all that's left,
i'll try to change the world in a single word.
my hards are shaking, ready or not.
invisible ink well it's al i've got.
so i'll concentrate and pick from these barren trees.
time's running out, it's always running out on me, and every road i discover disappears under my feet -

some call it reckless, i call it breathing.

January: [January White]
this year is a sealed envelope;
with apprehensive hop
we brace for anything.
i swear, i understand that nothing changes that,
the past will be the past,
but the future is brighter than any flashback.

well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time,
we could trust that wen there's joy, there's nothing dark behind.
in spite of history
hope is january white.

here's to reckless days full of adventure. happy 2011.

**oh, and be checking back VERY soon for a VERY exciting announcment... you know it has to be good, i mean, i NEVER use capital letters...

make a space.

2010-12-29T22:06:00.000-08:00

we all have that thing. you know, the one that makes us tick. that one thing that makes our soul truly come alive. if you're lucky, you may have a handful of those things. i count myself lucky.

i love the sun. i find my soul in music. photography moves me.

as i work towards being the person i hope to one day be, i try to not only surround myself with all of the beauties listed above, but to completely embrace them. when the sun shines golden on the streets and illuminates everything in a light that seemingly erases any and all blemishes, i take a moment, hold my breath and let it warm my soul.

perhaps it seems slightly dramatic to put so much meaning into the commonplace; i don't mind. to me, it is all of these small moments that create our story, who we are. it's how we walk through our days that defines us. perhaps it is merely my simple heart that enjoys these moments, but i am thankful for such a heart.

i am in a constant effort to be a person of love. with that said, i have a few 'big dreams' to go along with it. some of which come naturally to me; others, i struggle to remain inspired.

so, all of that to say:

make a space. find a spot for you. for your soul. surround yourself with your simple beauties, those things that encourage you. things that remind you there is hope. that scream beauty to you. for me? this is my space.

you'll find me here most nights..typing away at a blog i will revise 234843 times before hitting publish. writing a letter. scribbling notes about coffee beans and garage doors. listening to music and pleading with my god for clarity. this is my space. a little reflection of my soul, for when i feel lost.

here's to a new year, with a space for each of you.

loyalty to loyalty // a reminder of sorts

2010-12-27T15:49:00.001-08:00

below you will see a link to a blog i wrote nearly a year and a half ago. much in my life has changed since the initial posting of the article. some things however, have remained ever so much the same. my heart, my fallible, flammable heart, has fallen victim once more. if nothing else i'm sure we can all look forward to a more frequent blog pattern... you are so welcome.

feel free to peruse the original post. the intro warns you it is scathing and cynical. that's not where i find myself now, but skip to the 4th paragraph (geez, i was on a slight tirade there, wasn't i!), remove all the condescending remarks, and we'll be just about caught up to speed.

hope your holidays were warm and full of only love.

oh, and as 2011 approaches.. keep it classy.

old news.

2010-11-21T00:39:00.000-08:00

a few months back a good friend of mine approached me with the desire to do a photo shoot with some of my baked yummies. he was often a sounding board for all of the various ideas i had regarding sugary confections so it was a pleasure to spend a lazy sunday with he and his wife.

ryan recently stated up a new business of his own creating videos that will just about change your life. i'll send you straight to him once i figure out his website link. stay tuned.

while my hair has grown four inches and it's been about six months since these were taken... i figure it's about time to unleash them on the world.

love.

when god makes it easy.

2010-10-06T00:39:00.000-07:00

it started feeling like october

2010-10-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

and so with that, you definitely need new music.

welcome, fall.

a summer to come down from.

2010-09-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

regardless of the fact that it has been in the near (if not actual) hundreds here as of late, summer has come to close. i mentioned here earlier that i am a summer girl. i thrive on the long hot days with perfect soundtracks and windows down. this summer was no different. it reminded me what it felt like to be alive, kept me out late and woke me up early for the next adventure around the corner and brought me here, to fall.

this was the summer of surfing, spa days and the freedom of a job with out a rolling chair and computer screen. the summer i found love, thanks 'goo. the summer of iced coffee and brunch... everyday.

as i venture into fall, i hope only to experience the season at it's best. to learn from the changing colors (ha, okay... the brown palm trees...) and the slower pace. to embrace the early sunset and cooler nights. to settle into the season with a sense of focus and purpose.

i hope the same for you.

but here's to summer. one last cheers.

oh, and ps. happy two years.

things i have learned from my completely deaf, partially blind and almost certainly epileptic dog.

2010-09-24T11:29:00.001-07:00

my roommate jokes that magoo (my freakin' adorable 5 year old adopted pekingese) is devoid all forms of brain function. i can't really argue. he "barks" at palm trees for five minutes straight while somewhat threatening men walk by me eerily. he has been known to walk directly into walls/telephone poles/electrical boxes. he stares off into space for hours at a time. literally.

but this little bucket of handicapped has taught me a few important lessons.

everyone gets second chances: he was on the street and before that, im presuming a home. we all venture from the homes we know and love. sometimes in search of adventure, to distance ourselves from the past or just because we are wonderers. but we always find a new home, new love, new life.

let love in: i fought myself over whether to get another puppydoodle for approximately a year before i finally committed to this little booger. i actually had to take a friend with me who is FANTASTIC at making rash decisions. i wish i had that skill. i sit and think about every.single.outcome of the hypothetical situation at hand and ultimately end up deciding that whatever it is i want is most likely irresponsible and therefore i should not do it. well, magoo. i'm glad you were so dang cute at the SPCA that i couldn't help but make a rash decision and let you into my heart. sometimes we aren't ready for it [love]. we aren't being responsible.but it doesn't matter. because love is love, and it yearns to be a part of our lives.

someone really will adore your disgusting habits: every morning when i go grab magoo from his bed (because he doesn't hear me... i have to stomp really heavily near his bed so as not to throw him into cardiac arrest by simply picking him up from a slumber) he gets so.freaking,excited that he starts sneezing. yes, sneezing. and i'm not talking cute little puppy sneezes. no no, i am talking, "oh crap, grab a towel for the walls, and i may have just gotten snot in my eyes' sneezes. they usually last about 3 minutes and produce more precipitation than LA sees in a year. but i love him. it's okay. this isn't to say that ALL things disgusting should be embraced, but there is a little room for grace and i think it just adds a little charm when we're honest about our grossness.

so magoo, thanks for making my life sillier. its good to be heart happy and laugh. please don't ever die.

you will always be a light.

2010-09-10T09:53:00.001-07:00

it's done! the race has been won! well, okay, maybe i didn't win, but i definitely did finish.

how was it, you ask?

well, despite the fact that i am still hobbling around because somewhere around mile three something went wonky in my knee and my stubborn self continued to run, without ceasing, on said knee for an additional ten miles, it was worth it.

i had prepared myself for the distance. i had prepared myself for the hills. i had prepared myself for the mental fatigue (insert ipod with extensive playlists). i had not prepared myself for the emotional lengths i would go. who knew that at 635 am when you finally get to run (race started at 6 am mind you) i would have to use the majority of my energy to hold back sobs. not tears, sobs. the moment i had 'prepared' for was finally here. as i stood amidst 14000 people, i looked around to a sea of stories, people carrying the weight of life on their shoulders and attempting to do their meager part in lifting that weight for others. i pictured jonny baggett in my mind as i began my first steps and reminded myself of the joy this moment had, that we were fighting back, running for him. and so the race began.

the race went as most would assume, i ran it. towards the end my sobs were making a relentless effort to return and keep me from breathing during the final stretch. thankfully, years of being emotionally closed off served me well in this moment and i managed to squelch the desire to curl up in the fetal position on a sidewalk.

all of that to say, love wins. love did overcome when my body was too tired to go on.

so thanks to you, all of you that have supported me along the way. all of you who have had to listen to every.single.bad.running.story. i have told since training started a long few months ago. thank you for the running playlists, the encouragement and the cheerleading. thank you for keeping me grounded and reminding me about what's important in the end (read: not my pride).

thank you to ke$ha, britney, andrew mcmahon, girl talk and jay-z. without your super catchy top 40 hits, who knows if i would have ever made it past the first mile marker. thank you to eminem for reminding me it's okay to run mad, life is tough and we can be pissed about it. and thank you to kelly, who, without her, my life would most certainly suck.

but really?

thanks to all of you. i know we are all on a journey, whether it be physical (marathons/weight loss), spiritual, or just this crazy day-to-day we call life, thank you for being a part of mine. i look forward to encouraging you the best that i am able as you stride towards your goals.

love wins, jonny b. love wins.

oh, hello.

2010-08-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

well here i am. making yet another triumphant return from blogosphere silence. you can all breathe easy. no, i haven't died. no, i didn't run off and join a hippie commune. yet. i have just felt a wee bit preoccupied along with a dash of uninspired. well, and it's summer in southern california and i must not forget to nurture my tan.

anyhow, this post is more of an 'ease us back into' post. ya know, i don't want to hit you too hard right off the bat. and maybe as somewhat of a reminder to me of how i used to do this whole 'write to the masses' thing. i think, too, i'll post a little preview of what's to come (dare i say, something to look forward to?!) as a teaser for you ... yes, i know you are sitting on the edge of your desk chair, chewing away at your fingernails and tapping your pencil incessantly to the point where your boss actually threatens your job if you don't stop just waiting for what is to come from my blog, but really, i suppose my preview will serve more as a teensie bit of accountability for me. sound good? good.

on that note. everyone likes puppies. here is a picture of mine.

what's ahead:

-oh look, it's jesus!
- arcade fire released a new album. do you own it yet? well, what are you waiting for.
- i am becoming my mother
- adventures of magoo (my deaf, awesome, old man dog)
- a mix for your soul? most likely.

a little bit.

2010-08-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

just 'cause.

8 days left!

2010-08-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

as you all know i have been training and fundraising for the half marathon that is less than a month away! with that said, i have about 50% of my goal yet to still reach!

So, head on over to my fundraising page and help me meet the goal! This money goes towards cancer research to find a cure for blood related diseases. I know we are all tight for cash with various life expenses, weddings, kids, etc, but every little bit helps. seriously.

this cause is so dear to my heart i fear words only fail to describe. i have mentioned Jonny and his story here on my blog before, but check out a more detailed story here.

as far as training is going, i'm tired. my knees hurt. my music is getting old. but when all of these things rain on me as reasons to stop running i just remember why i'm doing this. i know we haven't all been touched with tragedy, and i hope you never are, but for those of you who know what the journey feels like, i hope you consider donating. if not to this, than something your heart beats for.

we lost jonny too soon. he fought hard. now it's our turn.

help me fight for him.

love and be love.

meet magoo.

2010-08-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

5 pounds dog. 4 pounds hair.

lml.

2010-07-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

you know that feeling, the heart happy one?

i love it. i thrive on it. it makes me all the more excited to embrace each and every day. it forces me to expand my heart to fill it more and more with new faces, hearts and the beauties of this crazy life.

this past weekend i was honored to be a part of a dear friend's wedding. i was so thrilled to feel the excitement surrounding the event and humbled to be so welcomed by a group of strangers. most times when i fly into a city i once knew, a giant game of keep away is set into motion and (unnecessary) awkward conversations ensue about old news. thankfully, the majority of the toxicity that formerly held a place in my life has been cleansed.

my austin hearts never fail. love wins.

i love my life. i love the people that have come and gone, and especially those who have stayed. i am so thankful to watch each and everyone of the people who fill my heart embark on new chapters of life. i love squeezing as many hugs and cups of coffee into the few minutes each day provides as the race to fill each other in on life for the past year begins.

so here's to you. i hope that all of these things and more find their way to you, allowing your heart to burst at the seams.

love and be love.

oh, and enjoy the weekend diets of champagne and dancing. they are my favorite.

my life does not suck

2010-07-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

this makes me happy.

i have the great privilege of being in a very dear friend's wedding this upcoming weekend. to my surprise, i actually made it onto the wedding website's page that details the wedding party. i knew i was in the wedding, don't get me wrong, but i wasn't expecting a little bio. thanks for the write up, justin, always so kind.

i am so very thankful for the friend i have found in justin. i have been quoted saying that if i were trapped on a desert island he would be one of the top five i would want there. he has been a strong leader in faith and accountability and soft shoulder for all of the chaos that is my life. i am so honored to be a part of this day.

also, i'm really excited about making one of my fellow groomsman my new bff. (see above) christopher, get ready.

i'll take what i can get.

2010-07-08T23:53:00.001-07:00

running is hard. running uphill is harder. running 7 miles uphill is the hardest.

i have never been a fan of the 'honk at attractive women if you are a dirty/scary/creepy man with questionable moral standards while she is pumping gas/walking her dog/picking her nose/running. i have since changed my stance on this (not that i encourage getting honked at while picking your nose...that's a whole different breed of male right there).

honk away, people. honk away.

every night i set my alarm for 700am. I set this alarm with hopes of waking up (when it goes off the first time), hopping out of bed with the joy of a hundred happy ponies, doing a few yoga stretches, then heading out for a 5 or so mile run. every morning i hit snooze 37 times while Funs' "Benson & Hedges" screams "holy ghost" offensively loud into my ear, peak out my window to find some way to justify lying in bed longer, and end up waking up around 1000am. (*please note, i work from 3-11pm so i'm not just a sloth who refuses to be active in the world, just operate on a different time schedule than the majority of humanity*)

i am running for jonathan baggett. i am running to prove to myself that when my body wants to give out, love is enough to push through. i am running for a cure.

but 13 miles is a lot of time to talk myself into and out of several things. sometimes even multiple times. yes, i have an ipod. yes, i have rad music from even radder (yep, i went there) friends who love me enough to send me running mixes. but 13 miles is a long time.

all of this to say? i need the encouragement. i need the reminders that i can do this.

so, honk away angelinos, i'll take what i can get.

reval: subtle reminders

2010-07-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

fireworks!

great intro, huh?

happy fourth of july, all. i suppose it may actually be the fifth by the time this gets published, but i'm holding on to that american spirit and love for chinese pyromania.

i had a conversation today with a beloved and very old friend of mine. he holds a very special place in my heart and while i don't always welcome his abrupt ways, today was a breath of fresh air when he suggested i have a specific conversation with someone. his suggestion?

"mallory, you should just tell them to 'suck my d**k', even if you don't have one... you'll feel better'

i love you, kelly hoffman.

while the idea is very tempting and i was genuinely contemplating exactly how bad ass i would look AND feel while doing it (okay, maybe i wouldn't look bad ass but it's my fantasy so just humor me, ok? ok.) i had a slight reminder thrown in my face while in the midst of my daydream.

i worked at a different shop today and on my lunch break i took a little stroll. this shop is located in a slightly more art oriented area of the city and often times you'll see street art on various buildings/mechanical boxes/fences/walls/etc. This particular campaign, the 'what i've learned' campaign, has always been a favorite of mine. Anyhow, this creepily painted woman from arkansas reminded me of something very important today.

love wins.

i have said it well over a million times. i have meant it all of those times. but today, it was a reminder. having a conversation with someone (and secretly WISHING i was 'one of those people' who could cause a scene with an ever so epic soundtrack playing in the background) that would ultimately not resolve anything and be based out of malicious intent is not quite what 'being love' looks like.

so here we are, back to square one. trusting that love will win. i may not ever see the fruits of it, but i do know that it will overcome and it will heal.

love and be love.

p.s. sorry for saying 'suck my d***' on my blog. it's far more crass than anything i usually write, i just felt an exact quote was necessary. you should all meet kelly hoffman. he is by far one of the best human beings i have ever met.

give me your eyes

2010-06-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

i need sunshine.

[the view from my window]

reval.

2010-06-22T20:54:00.001-07:00

alright, this is what's up. about every 4 days i have to sit down and re-evaluate where i am, where i'm going, what i am doing, and what condition my heart is in. i suppose it may make me crazy that i feel the need to do that so frequently, but it is who i am and i have learned to embrace my chaos. the topic of this particular reval?

everything.
everything?

yep.

as many of you know, i have been training for a half marathon (woot!). the half isn't until september and i have talked of running one before. this one, however, is different. this one i am running for a soul we don't get to embrace in this space anymore. in an attempt to create a form of accountability, both for my training and for my blogging, i started a seperate blog for this experience.

fail.

i can barely keep up with ONE blog much less two. so, the resolution? i'm merging the two. you are welcome. now your google reader can take a breather from updating you about my ever so exciting life from two seperate sites. oh, and i'm sorry too. if all you read this for is bitchin' new music or to check in on me and make sure i'm either happy/miserable then oops, you get to read about running too.

this though, is merely step one in my most recent "reval". i hope to mention a couple other tweeks i look forward to making to my spirit in the days to come.

so where are we now?

i am happy to say that while i'm behind with my team in training schedule, i'm gaining ground quickly. i am at about 4 miles and adding time and distance 3 times a week (or so). I also bought new running shoes! i am, in fact, absolutely in love with them.

okay, okay, i'll show you a picture.
these are the nike free. and they are purple. and i love them. i have been really intrigued at this idea of barefoot running and the science behind it. while the research has been somewhat torn as to whether this is the best thing since.. well, bare-feet or if we really do need all the support that athletic shoes have provided in the past, i have decided this is a venture i was ready to try. even though i embarrassed myself by asking the salesman for the 'nike nakeds' i left with a new pair of lighter than air tennies that have proven very comfortable for my daily runs.

my new shoes are great, but i must constantly remind myself why i am doing this. i am not doing this for my pride. i am not doing this to lose weight. i am doing this to fight for a cure to end leukemia. i am doing this because jonny can't. i am doing this because of a love in my heart that will not rest until i have taken every step possible to make change. i say this not to remind you, but more to bring to the forefront of my mind my purpose. i need encouragement and humility with every step i take. every up-hill, daunting step i take.

so here's to the reval. here's to jonny baggett. here's to next 13.1 miles.

ldr.

2010-06-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

oh, hello there.

once again, i have been far off living life and neglecting my humble little blog. well never you fear, faithful readers, i have returned.

i recently attended my very first bonnaroo. to say it was perfect would be an understatement, but that adjective will have to suffice for now. i won't really dive into what it was like specifically, being as which i fear it will not do the moments justice. plus, you should just go with me next year to experience it for yourself. deal? deal. in order to entice you to attend alongside me next year (and for the next 25) i have included a picture of how sweaty and gross i was. you are so welcome. i digress.

i needed the reminder that music peers into and opens my soul. i needed to search within and embrace the melodies that make my heart sing. and really, what better way to do that then with 100 plus degree days and no showers?

in other news, i finished the summer mix. i know, round of applause. you might want to catch your breath and hold onto your knickers: it's a good one. this particular mix i felt should be done in a more classic way. so many of you have received (or will be very shortly) physical copies of the mix. i hope it inspires you to roll down the windows and car dance.

for those of you that enjoy the convenience and ease of the digital download, you can find the mix here. i would love to hear feedback regarding your thoughts (aka: shameless plug for comments,oh! and i'm genuinely curious what all of you who download think!!). this is the first mix in a long time i have made for me. i like it.

not much of substance tonight, but i think that's okay. here is my heart, reaching out to you. hello :)

there's lots of sun where i'm from.

2010-06-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

today's post is a teensie bit vain. okay? now that we have that out of the way we can carry on.

first things first! hope this is finding you all well and well rested after the weekend. my weekly clock is never quite right since my weekends are usually a thursday friday (if not something stranger - tuesday, wednesday) so by sunday i'm already well into my week.

it is officially summer here in the golden state. the schools are letting out, the beaches are filling with locals and tourists alike and the air smells of sunscreen. okay, well not really... because no one actually wears sunscreen (we need a tan, duh.) but it is in fact summer, and i absolutely love it.

there is some potential for change creeping up over the horizon. this change would bring not only new opportunities and steps towards those big dreams i carry around, but also a fairly dramatic climate change. this really isn't all that much of a cause for concern except for, well, i'm a summer girl. i thrive in summers. my favorite memories? bring me back to summer 08. take me back to my camp years where i was both making a fool of myself and having my heart made full (probably and oftentimes simultaneously). bring me the warm winds and the rolled down windows. bring me the sweet sounds of summer pop ballads and a cold 'lemonade'.

while i don't know what the future holds, or really, the next season, i choose to bask in this warm air and embrace the calm that southern california has taught me. i hope the same for you.

life is short. be there.

- your very own, miss california.

hello, today

2010-06-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

hello hello!

as promised, i am featuring another blog today. this blog specifically will help to enhance your musical repertoire. i know a few of you out there always download my mixes, so this should be fun to add to your daily blog roll.

hello, today.

meet ty. he is from the midwest. i know, who would have thought someone from the midwest would listen to good tunes? okay, low blow.

i digress.

you should check in on ty from time to time. he has a wandering soul and i like that. you should too.

he posts one new song a week and has some legit photography featured as well.

enjoy!

a heart unheard

2010-05-25T23:28:00.000-07:00

it recently occurred to me, that perhaps, my heart falls on deaf ears.

that maybe, the point is being missed. well, my point at least.

usually before i write, make a mix cd, or speak for that matter, the thoughts have been rolling around for a good while. i have said them to myself with different emphasis, tones and using different grammatical structure. while this could be attributed to a level of OCD with the verbal vomit i put out into the world along with my addiction to correct spelling, i have come to believe it is more than that. it is because i write from my heart. and i want my heart to be heard. did we catch that? my heart. mine. not what you think i as a person must be saying.

herein lies the problem.

i don't know everything. i don't know the best ways to handle every situation. i don't always understand how to move past things without trying to wrap a pretty bow around it and have everyone sing kumbaya at the end because we are all happy and life is complete. (but ha, who really knows how to do that?) i do know my heart though. and my heart for those who are in it, who will be in it, and very importantly, who have been in it in the past.

i have lost people. i have lost parents, grandparents, boyfriends, mentors, friends. while the specifics change from one person to the next, my experience is not uncommon. my reaction however may be unique to me. (maybe not, but hang tight as i hope to make a point shortly).

i don't say goodbye very well.

why this is, i'm not quite sure. we could probably delve into all my relationships with both my parents and my peers to find a moment when i was 7 where something traumatic happened which has then cursed me with this inability but for now we will just presume the following: my heart doesn't say goodbye. my heart always beats for them. for what they are doing. for what they could have been doing (had they not passed away). for the lives they are leading and the steps they are making towards futures. my heart longs to hear about theirs. to have those conversations that once took place over coffee in some random town or over the airwaves when the world was asleep. my heart thirsts to provide comfort in moments of downfall and wishes only to leap with joy and swell with pride for the blessings that enter into their lives.

but i think that gets lost.

and for whatever reason, my heart falls onto deaf ears.

i suppose worse yet, i fear that my heart gets skewed. that the message gets twisted in a way that reflects not love or genuine care, but a selfish vanity.

so, hear my heart. love and be love.

oh, sweet joy

2010-05-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

hello! hope this all finds you well and basking in the sun of some pre-summer fun.

if you have been reading my blog for sometime, you will know that i go through lulls. you will also know that i sometimes decide to do a weekly entry (i.e. monday's muse) as a way to not only boost my blogging time, but to fill your google reader and make those long, torturous hours at work go by just a wee bit faster.

so here we go again.

i am fortunate enough to have a lot of dreamers in my life. whether they dream to change the world, open a little cofee shop one day (that's me! that's me!) or simply dream their way through this crazy life, they all have something priceless to share. so i will help them do just that. i am going to start 'featuring' one blog, shop, forum, cause a week on my blog to spread a little inspiration and encouragement to you. sound good? good.

so, as you are on the edge of your seat i know you are wondering, 'who is it this week, mallory? who could it possibly be?!'

kim davis /oh, sweet joy / yellow songbird

kim and i went to the same university and met at Fossil where we both shared a love for the vintage inspired apparel and time pieces. kim and i didn't have much of an opportunity to get to know eachother while in the same city (she now lives in CO) but have since become pretty good blog friends.

kim started sewing in college (kim, correct me if i'm wrong!) and making game day dresses for all the ladies at A&M. through this she found her passion for crafting, designing and sewing. she has since gone on to creating a variety of sewn with love crafts. to accompany her creative eye she has started keeping a very interactive blog (check it out!) where she provides tutorials, ideas, and links to shops she grabs inspiration from.

this is all really fantastic, right? well, yes, of course! but the plethora of reasons i listed above are not the only reason i think kim is a person who we should all get to know. her blog partners the beauty of creativity and perfect hems with the tattered and torn ways of life. so, head on over to her shops and blog and see what this CO girl is up to. okay?

wishing you all a fantastic wednesday!

bright eyed and a sobbing mess.

2010-05-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

my mother was a crier. ya know, the person who would slam on their brakes for the squirrels crossing the street and shed at least 9343 tears if she couldn't miss him. the woman who cried at every single rom-com or tragic drama, and of course "Homeward Bound." Oh, and please know, when i say 'crier' what i really mean is sobber. she would wail and hold nothing back.

i however never shed a tear.

i would say on a yearly basis i cry about 6 times. these few moments are usually limited to a time frame with a maximum of ten minutes at which point i would cease and begin to explain to myself why i should have not even been upset in the first place and move right on to life's next to-do.

this, my friends, is no longer the case.

i am an emotional wreck. thank god.

those closest to me have been a part of a conversation about healing. my healing. i look back even six months and i see old wounds healed beautifully. i look at how unhappy i was at my other job and how i let my pride speak louder than my heart. this of course, leaving me miserably unpleasant, a little fatter and just generally sad. being in typical mallory fashion (of refusing to be affected by anything going on in my life) i decided it was just a season and i should push through.

dumb.

so where does that lead us?

healed.

over the course of the past few months i have really spent time discovering who i am, who i have been created to be, and who created me. if you were to scroll through all the posts on this blog (which would take a very long time, prove somewhat uninteresting and take up a lot of bandwidth on your work computer) you would see a pattern. the pattern is as follows: something ridiculous happens, i spend 2 minutes thinking about it (note i didn't say feeling), find solution, learn lesson from god, move on.

well here we are again. a beautiful redemption cycle. i have found myself in a place where my eyes are full of light and open wide to what each day will bring. more importantly though, i have found myself feeling. really embracing the beauty and depravity of this world and letting myself feel it.

i was in dallas for about 35 hours this past weekend. before my flight back to this city hidden under the brown layer, i was able to meet with my bf (best friend) kyle. we sat in his car with his sweet little daughter and listened to a new demo album. my heart swells. kyle and i had been talking about the healing i have experienced and how i feel so free of demons that have once followed me around and popped out at every corner. then a song came on. a song that a heart close to mine had written. goosebumps and tears make their appearance and kyle just looks at me. i then say, 'apparently this is part of the healing' and gosh i love it.

i love that my heart fills with joy and pride for the lives of my friends. i love that i can truly experience...life. i have always been pretty apt at experiencing the joy in my life and (unfortunately) exceptionally skilled at ignoring the pain as though it didn't exist. this is no longer the case. i take it all in.

now, please hear me when i say i am not wallowing or walking around with tissues in fanny packs (because really, i know you are ALL wearing fanny packs...) waiting for my next emotional breakdown. however, i can fully experience the beauty of hope that before i couldn't.

all of this to say, there is a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. and for that, i am thankful.

love and be love.

adorned in love

2010-05-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

[im typing this while laying out in my yard of cement and basking in some socal rays before a closing shift at the bakery. life is good.]

there are about a million organizations that exist today that claim to make a difference. to make change. as you scroll from blog to blog you find yet another npo fighting for another cause that you may or may not have even know existed. an organization i'm about to share with you is one that, i think, you should add closer to the top of your long and ever growing list.

eXile international.

so, what's is so special about them you ask?

their hearts are in motion. so let me break it down.

who: eXile international
what: working to rehabilitate orphans through hope and healing of child soldiers from the longest running war in Congo and Uganda.
why: really, you need a why?
how: various programs along the lines of orphanages, PTSD counseling and rehabilitation partnered with life skills training so that they may then attempt to heal their villages. you can check out a variety of their programs here.

today though, let's talk about beads. on my trip to uganda in 06 i had the pleasure of meeting Molly. a beautiful acholi soul who blessed us with her gift of jewelry. she took paper from magazines, flyers, books and made them into tiny beads and then strung them as necklaces, bracelets and jewelry. eXile is working a program around this same concept, meet: Tiny Hands.

you can find more detailed information here but here is the rundown:

the bead strings come in three lengths:
-long necklaces
- short necklaces
- bracelets

the beads are made from recycled papers that the kiddos have cut into strips, rolled and then varnished to make a bead. The profits from these pieces of jewelry go to feed, cloth and house the orphans as well as towards helping support the work of eXile international. the concept behind the bead project is this:

redemption.

the papers that were once trash were converted into something beautiful. just as the war torn lives of these sweet souls. eXile is working to string back together the pieces that have been scattered and the hope that has been lost.

if beads aren't your thing, eXile has other programs that you can find by clicking the link above or here

if you love this idea but are broke, that's okay too. still want to help? here is a list of things you can do:

-if you read this on your google reader you can "share it" and "like it" that helps to spread the word and create more hits for search engines to pick up
- if you yourself are an avid blogger, repost, rewrite or re-whatever you can to get this out to your audience as well.
- pray. i typically avoid "telling" my readers to pray as part of me feels like it is a bit presumptuous on my behalf as well as slightly encroaching, but here i go. if this is something that pulls at your heart strings and you feel like you have little to nothing you can offer, then pray. pray for the work that is currently go on in these war torn areas and for the organizations that are in effort to help.

love and be love.

of men and angles: a review

2010-04-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

yes, it is that time again. time for your lives to be enriched by my vast knowledge of music and my ability to critique it for your reading pleasure. or ya know, i have been listening to a 'new' record and have finally decided to stop being lazy and tell you about it. either way, go buy this album

the rocket summer: of men and angels.

i have a bumpy history with the rocket summer. i haven't always loved him. i reviewed his last album here, and if i remember correctly was pretty surprised at how much i enjoyed the album. the same is true this time around. while it didn't take me nearly as long to embrace my love for the mostly predictable bryce avery, i must say, this album is a strong one. please do note though, there are a couple low points on the record and i am choosing to believe they don't exist (i.e. japanese exchange student and tara, i'm terrible). anyhow here is a brief rundown of the track-listing and why i like it. ready? go.

roses
you gotta believe
hills and valleys
i want something to live for
walls
and all the weight that you carried will disappear and i will willingly embrace you so leay your head. so come on home
pull myself together
of men and angels
oh, the tongues of men and angels, i speak but lack love, oh love will i stab you in the back. working everyday i'm afraid i forget to show what's most important: love
i need a break (but i'd rather have a breakthrough)
nothing matters
this whole song is solid lyrically, so check it out here
~~japanese exchange student~~
~~tara, i'm terrible~~
hey!
let you go
this is a refuge
light

bryce has a way of delivering a weighty message through be-boppy tunes that have you reaching to roll down your windows and pull back your hair (or for you guys out there, doing your ever so fabulous bang sweep). i suggest this album for a day when you go driving through some hills and valleys and want to remember how the sunshine feels.

left, right, repeat.

2010-04-18T13:18:00.001-07:00

hello all! i hope this sunday (at least, i think it's sunday) finds you basking in the sunlight and embracing all that springtime has to offer. and if not, stop reading my blog and go outside! anyhow, i just returned from a leisurely sunday jog around the silverlake reservoir. my jog is undoubtably related to my training for a half marathon in september. i can't remember if i have mentioned this on here or not yet, so here we go.

what: half marathon (13.1 grueling, somewhat uphill, miles)
when: septemeber 5
where: disneyland! (i'm actually kinda creeped out by the characters and the fact that they will be cheering me on...)
why: Jonathan Baggett and the LLS.
wait, what?

so as many of my readers know, our society lost a great soul this past september. too many lives have been lost. too many hearts have been broken. we must be the change. we must break the cycle. we must find a cure.

all too many have been affected by various cancers and it's related complications. i, for one, can attest to the emotional strain it puts on the survivors, much less the physical weight the patients themselves must bear. i watched my mother's health and body slowly wither while her soul continued to shine through her eyes during her always uphill battle with lung and breast cancer.

this i 'could handle'. i use quotes because who really 'handles' this well, i don't know. it's all relative i suppose. i guess my thought is that, i was in control of the situation as best i could be in regards to my feelings so in the end, i'm glad it happened to me rather than one of my friends because i don't know how to 'help' them. i have 'figured out' how to 'help' me. ha. ridiculous theory, but for now i'm sticking to it.

and then.

my dear friends holly and melissa's sweet baby brother was diagnosed with leukemia after being sick with 'a cold' for a month or so. this star soccer player who was set to graduate in may of 2010 who had previously had a clean bill of health was now told he had a cancer of the blood. what?!

my distance geographically from those closest to my heart rarely effects me. this however was one of those times. i strived to be as present for my friend holly as i could, but 1400 miles through hell and back is quite the distance. six months later we lost our fighter. and selfishly, i hated that i felt as though there was nothing i could do.

so, this mini-recap brings us up to speed. to now. i will be running 13.1 miles in an effort to raise awareness and funds about the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) and most importantly i will be running in honor and memory of jonny baggett. while this may not actually be the $2200 (that's my fundraising goal minimum) that finds the cure, we are one step closer. and that, i think, is the most important thing.

i watched my friend's heart break. i want to do everything in my power to keep others from breaking too. my small effort is just one step of many that i (and hopefully we) can make towards finding a cure for the various cancers that plague our families. in hoping to keep myself accountable as well as an attempt to continue to raise awareness i will be posting the status of my training on my other blog. this will also serve as a way to spread information about the LLS, other organizations and events that are fighting for a cure, as well as the disease itself.

so for now, i head off to the land of cupcakes. take a couple minutes and head over to the other blog, or at the very least the LLS site to see what you can do to help. if not for me, for the hearts that have been stolen from us.

material girl.

2010-04-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

all you left coasters out there survive the quake? i surely did. clearly. i was actually completely unaware that we had a 6.9 quake (which some debate was actually a 7.3... but who's counting?) until my handy dandy ever so reliable news source, facebook, informed me. upon recollection i did remember falling off a ladder while setting up my apartment. at the time i assumed it was my lack of balance and general clumsiness, now however, i'm starting to suspect those pesky tectonic plates. anyhow, hope you all had a slightly more stable easter than we did here in the golden state.

as i have mentioned previously, i quit my music industry job about a month or so ago now which means that i have also started down a new career path (thankfully). what is this you may ask? well, i have come to realize that some people are just made for retail.

i am one of those people.

shocking, i know.

when i took my very first retail job at fossil back in fall of 2007 i had a weird love for the work i was doing. one, i was exceptionally good at it (not being proud! i really was!) and two, i was legitimately passionate about the product. now here we are, three years later (my anniversary is in october for any of you out there who would like to celebrate. no? okay, well i thought i would offer) i am still slinging watches and handbags. i did take a brief hiatus from my beloved vintage-for-the-masses distributor, but i came back. sure, at first it was about paying off credit cards and going to concerts. but now? i genuinely love my job.

so much in fact...

that i ALSO have another retail job. this time, i get to work with some product that is a tad bit sweeter, which may, inadvertently, also cause diabetes if not handled with care. not funny? eh, next time.

a not so little unknown fact about me and my one day future is that i can't wait to open the doors to my own coffee shop. i have designs and menus and product ideas and branding strewn all over my notebooks, planners, random sheets of paper, etc. i have a passion for quite a few things (feel free to browse through the 'passion' label if you want a teensy sample) and i have always felt that the vision i have for this coffee shop embodies as close to 100% of those as possible.

so what does that have to do with anything? we are all selling something. we are trying to get whoever it is we are talking to to believe in what we are saying, our product. while some people are really great at math or teaching a kiddo how to read, i am really good (or constantly trying) at meeting people where they are at. and that, to me, is what retail is really all about. sure we have to meet plan (our monetary goal for that day based on some crazy formula assuming we can make at least 15% more than we did last year, just because) and try to move as much inventory as we can, but at the end of the day, our training always comes back to customer service. hm, service.

my hope is that throughout my various interactions over stainless steel, hypoallergenic, water resistant (not waterproof!) watches, which happen to have an eleven year warranty, OR i'm telling someone exactly why the 'good guy' is my absolute favorite cupcake from our humble little bake shop, i meet my guests where they are at. we have so few genuine moments to connect with people, especially the ones we may not see on a regular basis or ever again, i want to make sure the moments we do have are worth it.

now, this is not to say i don't get frustrated with the people who think i'm an idiot because i work at a mall (which is a gorgeous outdoor shopping complex in the heart of hollywood with a plethora of interesting people and a fantastic staff) or who are snippy with me when i stutter over buttercream frosting rather than cream cheese, but i think at the end of the day we have to take stock: take note of all the encounters and all the potential and see where we can take the next step to make tomorrow more than today.

love and be love. hope this finds you all well.

oh! download the mix from the post above. it's a random smattering of my heart. and it's just for you

sunny with a chance of chaos.

2010-03-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

my preferred state of being.

enjoy.

prepare to be loved.

2010-03-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

this weekend my heart exploded. not in the earth shattering, oh my gosh grab the sweats and the ben n' jerry's kind of way, but in the holy crap i didn't know my heart could love someone i dont even know this much kind of way.

this weekend my sweet 'niece' (yes, i'm claiming rights to her) mathilda was born. i, along with many loving friends and family, have been awaiting this darling's arrival for almost nine months. she felt very much inclined to come early. okay okay, enough with the overly cheesey baby blah blah.

i want to take a moment to prepare the world for who mathilda is going to become.

she has two of the most dynamic and loving people i know as her parents. i count myself privileged that i have been able to get to know sheley (momma) better since she became the better half of my best friend (whom i lovingly refer to as 'bf') almost a year ago. the love they have as a couple has grown not only between the two of them but towards austin (7 year old son who rocks at karate) and outward towards their friend circle and community.

mathilda, darling, get ready to be loved. your life is one that i so look forward to being a part of. i'm thankful to be invited to watch as you grow in this world and change it in your own marvelous way.

watch out world, the fagans are multiplying.

pin your wings.

2010-03-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

i'm a mover. no stranger to change and no fear of the unknown. you present me a new city and i'll pack up and get there before you finish telling me why.

fantastic, right?

i recently went through a period of, 'you know what, i'm just going to pack up my car and drive to nashville. once i get there, i will just live on the floor of my best friend's house and work in a coffee shop. six months later? well we'll see what happens.' yeah, i really almost moved to nashville. why this hit me as the perfect and most wise decision still escapes me. however, i know that through this brief hiatus in my love for this broken city of angels, i learned much.

i learned to just stay.

while my willingness to take flight has provided much healing in the past and has been an avenue for me to fulfill desires of my heart along with god's heart for me, for now, i am learning to stay.

i am learning to put down roots. or at least, take a moment to lay in the grass and experience where i am right now in life, as opposed to always looking for the next step. do i still want to move to a new and strange city? yes, of course! i can't wait to see where my next new adventure takes me. but for now, i'll embrace the adventure that is awaiting me here.

as i have officially informed my employer, i find it is appropriate to let all of you out there who keep up with me on a little secret.

i.quit.my.job.

yes, i am leaving the music industry. i am leaving the industry that i so fearlessly (well, mostly fearlessly) packed my life up for and drove across the country to be a part of. why?

simply, it was just time. i was changing into a person i didn't want to be. i was losing touch with the art that i fell in love with and that moves my soul. this of course, in addition to my desire to pursue baking and the business side of the bakery/coffee shop world. so, where am i off to?

a cupcakery.

i look forward to this new adventure in my not so new town. with a change in jobs and a slight change in living situations i suppose i haven't really mastered 'pinning my wings' but for now i'll enjoy what is right here.

hope this finds you all doing well.

cupcake carnage

2010-03-05T17:22:00.000-08:00

as many of you know, i love to bake. every so often i post pictures here of my latest confection, but please do not see those sporadic posts as representative of the frequency of my baking. let me assure you, i give both betty and martha a run for their money.

with that said, in an effort to perfect my shipping methods before launching my very own online bake shop (gasp! yes, it's true. get ready people) i have been sending care packages to various people who not only a) love me but also b) love sweets.

the following is graphic and may disturb you.

thanks to justin for the photographic documentation.

usps: 1. mal: 0.

round two coming shortly.

Weathervanes: A Review

2010-02-23T10:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since i've done an entire album review, so bear with me as i attempt to dive into the furthest corners of my vocabulary so as to aptly describe this musical gem to you.

i recently had the auditory pleasure of hearing the first track from Weathervanes by Freelance Whales whilst road-tripping to arizona. Upon first listen i think 'this is a nice combination of a radical face meets owl city.' the two of those together could be considered a slight dichotomy since (in my opinion) one artist is associated with a deeper, more layered sound and the other (owl city) is more like frolicking through garage band. either way, i was neither disappointed nor ashamed to hit repeat. five times.

the first track is a slow and quiet starter which could deter some from being patient enough to hear what the entirety of the track has to offer. what does this opening track bring to the table, you ask? the sound of my soul waking up, that's what. the arrangements on this track 01 build in a very coldplay-esque way that brings you right into the be-boppy voice of the lead singer. all in all? well placed pauses that make me remember why i love music (check out around 1.18)

the second track feels like a session with a bipolar best friend as it changes rapidly from a hellogoodbye pep rally beat to one that slows you down and makes you reach for your coffee.

the album goes on much the same way, carrying you through a variety of tempos and moods.

track 07 hints that the band themselves enjoy a little bit of sufjan stevens as this track sounds as though it could have come straight off of, 'come on, here the illinois'. originality aside, it's a pleasant listen.

by the time you have made it to track 10 you have probably already decided that this album was made to be dissected and put onto the next 8 mix cd's you are going to make. ten is no different. titled, 'we could be friends' and describing in about 10 different words why, its a fun little track if you are trying to win over someone's heart.

the album rounds out at a solid 13 tracks with an addendum to the first song (generator ^ 2) and a final acoustic guitar based track to come down to.

moral of the story? don't look to this album to provide you with answers to the questions of life that plague you day in and day out (i mean, he is no ben gibbard) but pop this sucker in for the days when you wish to see simplicity in the midst of the chaos.

enjoy!

a girl inside a voice.

2010-02-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

take your time coming home

hear the wheels as they roll.

let your lungs fill up with smoke.

forgive everyone.

she is here and now she is gone.

we had plans, we can't help but make love.

it's a beautiful thing when you love somebody,

and i love somebody.

yeah i love somebody.

take your time coming home.

hear the wheels as they roll.

let your lungs fill up with smoke.

forgive everyone.

i don't think i've been misled,

it was a rock 'n' roll band,

i'm still standing,

take your time coming home.

see, of everyone who called,

very few said, 'we believe in you.'

the overwhelming voice said

i'm just a boy inside a voice.

and if it's true, if it's true, if that's true,

then what the fuck have i been doing the last six years?

how did i end up here?

how did i find love and conquer all of my fears?

see, i made it out.

out from under the sun.

and the truth is that i feel better because i've forgiven everyone.

now i'm not scared

of a song

or the states

or the stages

no, i'm not scared

i got friends

took my call

came courageous

now i feel like i am home.

one more thing, i keep having this dream

where i'm standing on a mountain

looking down on the street

i can hear kids in low-income housing singing

'we're through with causing a scene'

i dont know what i means

but i too, i'm through with causing a scene.

she is here and now i think she's ready to go

for every love that's lost i heard a new one comes

so come on with me, sing along with me,

let the wind catch your feet.

if you love somebody,

you better let them know.

take your time coming home.

-'take your time (coming home)' - fun.

boxing the stars.

2010-02-17T08:08:00.000-08:00

so this is a blog that started in a dark parking garage in tempe, az after one of the best rum & diet cokes i have ever had. rarely do i have moments in which i MUST write down exactly what is in my brain as it is happening. with that said, know that most of my blogs have much more planning and thought put into them than this one. *please note this is my disclaimer clearing me from all negative comments if you hate it.

as i sit here in the California sun (in february, mind you) my thoughts are racing as i try to remember every last detail of the weekend while simultaneously trying to sort out the never ending chaos in my mind. add to this, an attempt to decipher my parking garage scribbles. so, let's dive in, shall we?

saturday i road tripped out to phoenix, az with my best girl, Quincee. she flew in from nashville and we loaded up my faithful old eclipse with celery, pb&j's, and all the mixin's for a good bloody mary. why have her fly all the way across the country simply to drive out of LA?

jack's mannequin & fun. one night. one show.

this promised to be an epic show of such great proportions i should probably pull out the thesaurus so as to find a much grander word than epic. (okay, nerdy emo kid has calmed down and i can carry on with the story now)

saturday morning breaks and we hit the road, just one road actually...as you can take the 10 the entire way there. After about six hours of chatting, driving, bathroom breaking and FLiP video-ing we make it to the Marquee Theater. this particular venue is really starting to create a home in my heart as i have driven out to it twice now for bands that have permanently claimed a place in the soundtrack of my life. plus, i have this strange affinity for arizona.. but that is for another post.

one could argue (and many have, glen lake summer 05) that concerts border on idol worship being as the members of the audience throw up their hands and sing along at the top of their lungs to some person or group on stage. i'm not going to disagree with this notion, however, i do want to point out the beauty in these moments.

people of all ages, genders and races show up to see their favorite band. there may be no similarity between them and the person to their right or left. except one thing, they find their home in the melodies.

there is something about the words of these songs that script our (my) lives. so much so that these phrases float through the air and resonate in these moment and in our souls. we find that in a room full of strangers we are not alone in this journey of life. we find not only that we are not alone, but that there is beauty to be found in our demise, our heartbreaks. we find that we can take the ugliness and despair and put it to music in a way that spans the gaps or holes in our hearts and connects us not only to ourselves but to the hearts of 200+ others in the room who are feeling the exact same energy from a completely different place in the their lives.

as i write this i understand it may seem a little too indie-kid and a lot too hokie, but i challenge you to examine the state of your heart in relation to the music you fill your life with. we are a people of love. this deeply rooted trait within us explains not only the growing success of the Rom-Com but the majority of top 40 successes as well. this desire to experience love lends itself so perfectly to the concert going scene that it is no surprise to me that all eyes and hearts are focused on the rhythm and words being sent over the airwaves.

all of this to say? we are not alone.

dear jack

2010-02-02T10:09:00.000-08:00

i'm not going to attempt to describe the wonder that is the Dear Jack Foundation.

however, you should check them out here.

and listen here.

love and be love.

i should write an indie-film

2010-01-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

hi. my name is mallory and i am shamelessly a member of the indie/emo/ sometimes-on-a-good-day-kinda-hipster kid community.

most of you are probably thinking, 'duh.'

however obvious this may seem, please understand i don't take this responsibility lightly. there are many elements, characteristics if you will, that go into maintaining such a status. a handful of these may include, but are not limited to: thinking in terms of top five lists (high fidelity, anyone?), understanding that top five lists came from the superb writing of nick hornby in the aforementioned book 'high fidelity', making claims such as, 'i liked the shins before zach braff, but he's alright with me anyways' and being just slightly emotionally disconnected, not so much that you are legitimately stone hearted, but just enough that you hint at some form of uncovered, secret agony that only you understand. see, it's a tough job.

in watching several independent films, i notice many, if not all of the aforementioned (how did i manage to use that word twice already) characteristics being more than simply an element of the story, but instead being heavily relied upon to carry the film. typically throughout the story-line of the film you have the main character who is on a journey of self -discovery. this may include death of a loved one, loss of love or both in a heart-wrenching, but cant-take-your-eyes-away combination. these events of course cannot possibly occur without a slightly obscure, yet listener friendly soundtrack.

so what?

the concept of home is one that was mentioned briefly, if not completely by accident, in a previous post. i have been trying to figure out the best way to approach this topic. i feel as though 'home' means something completely different for everyone. it looks, feels and loves differently. the indie film tends to capture this exceptionally well.

i think of home the same way i think of love. there is no definition. there is no standard. no right or wrong. perhaps this is why we keep coming back to it. why, film after film, novel after novel, we keep exploring this idea of what home is and what it should be.

my answer? i don't have one.

i often avoid the subject of 'so where is home for you?' mostly because it tends to lead to 'so where are your parents' at which point i nonchalantly mention that i don't have parents and everyone instantly feels as though they need to hug me or run away. i usually just stand there waiting for the moment to end and for everyone to forget what just happened.

i think that many people conceptualize home as somewhere they were raised, or a place that shaped them. so i think my people are a perfect home for me. there is no way i could be the person i am today without all the experiences and relationships and moments i have had with the wonderful souls in my life.

so yes, i do have a home and it is in little pieces all over the country. my home resides in all those hearts that i love and have shared life with.

oh, and before i forget. like any good indie-film, here is a soundtrack. enjoy.

save me a seat.

2010-01-13T09:03:00.000-08:00

hi, i'm mallory and i poop. a lot. especially 'for a girl.'

tmi, right. i get it. i just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page before i dove into what is going to be a life changing, earth shattering post. or ya know, something close to that.

why so open about the bodily functions? well, i once dated a guy who told me, 'girls don't fart, poop or smell bad.' i have since then made it my personal mission to disprove him. maybe that's why i'm still single. hmm. anyhow, because i am so open about such things, i feel completely comfortable with letting you into a little part of my day.

i stumbled across a blog recently that went over the etiquette of using the bathroom in the work place. you can find it here. it's a great blog on it's own, but this post was a personal favorite (and much, much wittier than mine will be if you want to just head over there now). anyhow, this got me thinking about my potty parties at the office and how there is something about them that brings me the slightest bit of joy.

i work in an office. nothing really extraordinary about that. many of you work in offices too. the way our building is set up, there are restrooms for each floor: four stalls on the north wing for the ladies, four stalls on the south wing for the men. there are only four women that work in my office (and subsequently, on our floor since our law firm neighbors moved out. damn, recession).

this is very convenient. four stalls. four women.

there are many things i get to do at work. most of them im not going into because a) it would be too boring and b) i have coworkers who read my blog (nothin' but love) but there is one thing. just one moment of my day that i can't help but look forward to when i come into work. is it making the coffee? no. is it... emptying the dishwasher and then reloading it after scraping off stuck-on cheese that grown adults left on their plates? no. what about getting to know all the passwords for really important myspaces? close, but no.

no one uses stall #2. it's mine. it is allllll mine.

i know that after i have had my routine cup of coffee (black, no cream or sugar) in the morning, that approximately 30 minutes later i will have to 'step away from the desk' for a second. so as i near the restroom, going through the multiple locked doors we have to possess keys for (which can be really tedious if it's ya know.. an emergency...) i turn left into stall #2 to find what i had been hoping for all morning.

the seat up.

no one has used it yet. i get to christen it. every day.

i have somehow made stall #2 my personal work sanctuary. no one can see me when i hide behind that brushed 'steel' door and cry. when multiple people are taking care of business simultaneously, those stalls act as impenetrable forces in which we can pretend for just one moment that no one else is there. and of course, when i have the moment to myself, stall #2 provides great relief.

yeah, this may be gross. yeah, perhaps you just took me out of your google reader because you now know way too much about my digestive system, but hey... it's the little things in life, right?

i hope you all have a moment in your day, that for whatever reason, gives you a smile.

as i have matured

2010-01-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

back in the "glory days" i was on dance/drill team. now while i could go on a very exhilarating trip down memory lane about all the bitchin' dances i choreographed for my (mostly) ridiculously talented team, i'm instead going to let you into a little bit of lesser known information...

i know nothing about football.

nothing.

i didn't give two hoots about football in high school (or college) for that matter. i attended every.single. game. (10 games, 4 seasons) in high school. it took me until my senior year to realize that the teams switched directions/side each quarter. yeah. i went to... enough games in college. granted, none of the teams i was ever supposed to be enthusiastic about were winning teams. i mean, i think we won about 2 games my entire high school career, and i think we are all pretty clear on how A&M plays.

anyhow, all of this to say that i recently tuned in to watch the BCS National Championship. why the sudden interest, you ask? no, it's not because i probably should have gone to UT as opposed to the conservative anti-liberal arts college of Texas, or because i felt the need to stand behind a texas team on a national football level. i watched because i am privileged enough to be best friends with the sister of one of the players. well that's all fine and dandy, except i didn't expect much from myself in the way of understanding what exactly i was watching on thursday.

it seems i was not the only one worried about this, being as which blake texted me and said, 'do you know what an interception and pick 6 are?' my response being, 'totally the first one and the second one ... is that like... bingo?'

it's okay, i know you are judging me.

however, something miraculous happened. i turned on that plasma screen in my reception area at the office, turned off the booty dance music videos and found myself watching the national championship.

not only watching, understanding. yes, you read me right. i was understanding the game.

this new found understanding has brought with it a few new characteristics to add to my ever so dynamic personality. i now desire to watch football related television, well netflix 'watch it now' because i don't actually have a tv.

i was told that 'friday night lights' was one of the best, yet underrated, shows on television. i even have a friend out here who has done a couple of guest spots on it. my response to the suggestion that i should watch it has always been, 'i hate sports related shows. i dont care about sports in the first place, why would i want to watch more of them than i have to? plus, there is ALWAYS a law and order marathon on somewhere and who doesn't want to see olivia benson kick some ass?'

all of this to say, i decided to give it a whirl on my fancy new subscription to netflix. this show is ridiculous. it made me actually miss texas. i suppose in reality it made me miss the idea of texas, especially since i never grew up in a town remotely similar to the one depicted in the series. but the idea of home vs the reatlity of home is for another, actually meaningful, blog. the show had me leaning over my laptop going, 'but, but... give number seven a chance! he can do it! you just gotta believe!'

i even cried.

do you read me? i cried, people! well, if nothing else i have football to thank for reminding me that yes, my tear ducts do work and yes, i have a soul.

sorry for the pointless post. it just felt right. happy monday!

sky high.

2010-01-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

as you read this i hope you are all enjoying your final day of vacation before the new year of work starts up. for those of you that periodically check this because your job is so monotonous that you have nothing better to do than hope to God i wrote something slightly more exciting than your job, i hope this brings you about 5 minutes of wasted time from work.

i have been traveling a lot more in the past year or so than i have previously. to say this is all fun and games would be a lie. why? you ask. is it that i don't enjoy going to new places? no, this i enjoy. is it that i'm afraid of getting swine flu because i forgot my little paper mask that is clearly going to save me from all forms of any infectious disease? no. i am, how do i say, not the most calm traveler. i'm generally a pretty relaxed person (okay, okay. i can be a relaxed person. sometimes) so why choose this moment to become panic stricken and sweat bullets?

apparently i look like a terrorist. (i'm also sure that at this moment my blog is being flagged for using the word terrorist, ugh).

i'm 5'5". size 4ish. little brunette girl with a twinge of a southern accent. so why me? why is it that no matter what i do, i get pulled aside from the line, patted down by the 'female' TSA personnel, and asked to dump the contents of my bag? it's usually about the time they are having me take off every possible article of clothing without having to claim public indecency that they stop the lines for the rest of the security scanners and call over other TSA officers to examine the contents of my carry on bag. those tiny boxes? not bombs, just fossil tins. they are holding my jewelry, people.

so at this point, i started the day nervous, knowing my impending fate and have now sufficiently made the airport security suspicious of me while simultaneously irritating every single traveler at LAX (or BNA, AUS, DFW, Lovefield, PHX, etc) for keeping them from their quadruple venti soy macchiato. oh, don't forget the splenda. actually, make that two.

i digress.

once i finally take the walk of shame through the security check point and head towards the terminal i am still usually trying to reassemble what is left of my 'cute' outfit, while pulling my little, tiny, BRIGHT RED suitcase through the airport. now, many of you know this, but i am pretty clumsy. it took me years to acknowledge this trait about myself, but i have since come to terms with the fact that i do in deed have a difficult time getting from point a to point b without tripping, falling, bumping something, cursing, sliding, or running into something. you can only imagine the potential hazard this creates when pulling a BRIGHT RED suitcase. subtlety is out the window.

usually by the time i have made it to the gate where i can take comfort in a chair that will not move or blame me for attempting to pack hazardous materials, i have already accidentally dropped my id and boarding pass (which means awkwardly trying to manage my way too oversized handbag, suitcase, coat, the shoes i barely had time to put back on and bending over to get my dropped items). i have usually also managed to get my suitcase flipped around so as it is not being dragged on wheels, but instead on the hard outer coating which tends to make an ever so pleasant scrapping sound along the terminal halls... great acoustics.

once sitting, i am that person. you know... the one who holds all of their stuff so close to them that you think it may in fact become a part of their actual being. yep. that's me. my suitcase actually has four wheels on it, so while standing up straight and on an incline, if i'm not careful... that sucker goes rolling on it's merry way. anyhow, i spend the next hour or so waiting to board my plane, triple checking my boarding pass to make sure that i am actually in the right place, getting on the right plane and going to the right city. i have also figured out how to fit my body, my oversized hand bag, and my suitcase into about 1.5 square feet of impenetrable security.

like i said, nervous traveler.

all of this to say, i made it to nashville and had a great time. hope you all brought the new year in with style and love. here is a little sample of my time in music city.

bestie love.

no one said it was going to be pretty. ugh, i'm embarrassing.

paigey.

new year with new friends.

love and be love in 2010. cheers!

sample of christmas

2009-12-26T09:34:00.000-08:00

here a few pictures from my christmas adventures.

happy christmas, all. i trust it was full of love and promises of futures.

love and be love.

for the vintage heart

2009-12-18T13:32:00.001-08:00

here are two mixes. there is a long drawn out story about them, but to save you all the not quite interesting read click the links below to download.

from one vintage heart to another: vol. folk

from one vintage heart to another: vol. pop

a wish for time to stand still.

2009-12-17T11:08:00.001-08:00

With a heart so pure
You could fall so quickly
But don't you dare slow down for me
Were it not for hearts like mine
Calloused thickly
You could fall so easily
(Don't you dare slow down for me)

You could take everything I have
Just don't leave my side now, don't leave my side
You could take everything I have
Just don't leave my side now, don't leave my side

Cause your words hit like a train and I can't ignore it
This moment could be our last
You fall in love and I'm running after
You move way too fast

But don't slow down
And don't let go
Hold me close now, lest I fall
They say I don't know how to love the right way
But you make me feel, you make me feel like I do

You could take everything I have
Just don't leave my side now, don't leave my side
You could take everything I have
Just don't leave my side now, don't leave my side

Cause your words hit like a train and I can't ignore it
This moment could be our last
You fall in love and I'm running after
You move way too fast

miss you, mom.

whatever you do, just please don't get me rescued.

2009-12-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

i have often said that words, 'really, i'm fine, don't worry about me.' they were often a load of crap.

this however, i must do on my own. i don't need your help. promise.

what am i talking about, you ask? well, i have been in the infinite downward spiral of comparative living. questions such as: is she prettier, i do (socially acceptable activity) and they do (socially inappropriate activity) so why do they get (apparently desirable whatever) and i don't, are they funnier than me, how are my cupcakes? as good as (ritzy cupcakery in bev hills), when i lived in texas i was like (positive quality) and now i'm (heinous bitch/negative quality).

you get where i'm going? well, basically, it's a losing battle against myself. and thankfully, i had a face to the ground moment where i realized that i had to fight this one on my own. none of my amazing friends could pull me out of this. no one can convince me that my qualities are superior to anyone else's. no single person can take the sickness that is plaguing me and make me see the light.

except god.

(i know it's supposed to be a capital G, i just really hate capital letters. i'm sure he'll understand. i digress...)

it's not too much of a secret that i have dealt with anorexia (and am constantly "dealing" with it, in efforts to finally rid myself of it) and unfortunately, that obnoxious anorexic voice in my head lends itself to the thoughts that my value, my joy , my hope are all found in trivial things such as waist measurements, job status, clarity of skin, humor and expertise in the kitchen. this is absurd. even as i type it and see the sentences forming i think, 'really mal? this is something you really worry about?' well, yes, it is. but not anymore.

i get so lost in my head. i can sit at my desk for hours at work (obviously after finishing all the various calendars, emails, dvd's, tweets and websites) and think about the same things until they have been so beat to crap in my mind from every possible angle that i end up right where i began. thinking about it. well, i'm here to say that i am done.

in the past, my life was that of light and love. i'm not saying that now i walk around with too much black eye liner spewing hate towards all that i encounter, but i have lost my bounce. i have completely cut out what god had to say to me, what god had made me to be. i took away any trust that i had that god had created something good in me. basically, i slapped god in the face and said, 'i'm going to get myself right before i can help your cause, god.. so i'll be back later when my shit is all together."

fail. dumb. really?

so here i am. refocusing. this is by no way declaring i have figured out the secret to life, or that when i get home i wont check myself out in the mirror and see room for improvement, but it means that it doesn't matter. i have recentered myself on Him. on His purposes. I am taking a step towards to unknown and uncertain. oddly, it feels a lot better than wondering if i will ever be as (adjective) as (proper noun).

be love, everyone. to yourselves and others but only because of god.

happy holidays.

let's play catch up. in fives.

2009-12-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

it's been about three weeks since my last post and according to my site traffic, it's time to entertain you all. since so much has happened, i'm just going to give a few little top 5's that recap and spew random information. tomorrow, i hope for substance.

top 5:

albums that i should have reviewed on my blog but didn't:
- aim and ignite : fun
- alter the ending : dashboard confessional
- birds and cages : deas vail
- forget and not slow down : relient k
- take us to the start : matt hires

shows that i have been to:
- the swell season at the wiltern. (there are no words to do this moment justice)
- fun. (it's what college was always supposed to look and sound like, but didn't)
- the rocket summer sans ftsk. (hello, 15 year old self)
- dashboard confessional. (i didn't get to go, but had i, it would have made this list)
- band of horses. (they are still rockin' my world)

albums on repeat:
- birds and cages : deas vail
- alter the ending : dashboard
- everything in transit : jack's mannequin
- copeland's greatest hits comp.: copeland
- five just gets changed in and out.

hope this finds you all well.

OH! please check out my friend megan's new blog . she is wonderful.

constantly.

2009-11-16T18:28:00.000-08:00

everyday i start again.

you are probably thinking, 'duh, mal... we all do.' but i mean it differently than simply waking up every morning to begin the same routine as the day previous. i wake up each morning trying to make the conscious effort to make the new day more than the last; to inch one step closer to the person i need to be.

i fail at this. a lot.

each night as lay in bed and attempt to drift off into a restful slumber i turn over all of the day's events in my head. i go through everything i said, wrote, did, etc and i pick apart what i could have done better. now while this is helpful to a point, i have to be careful not tear myself to shreds. however, i see (in retrospect) all of the potential for better. this gives me hope.

i'm not perfect. i never will be. but i have the potential (with help from my ever so gracious creator) to become a better me as well as work towards creating a better environment. we all do. each person we encounter gets a tiny part of us; i want the tiny part to be light.

this is a relatively sporadic post, but all of this to say:

i am constantly moving. attempting for movement forward. i hope the same for you.

my night as a hipster cowboy.

2009-11-10T08:17:00.001-08:00

i have been to a lot of shows lately. a lot. as in, approx. 3 or 4 a week. with that said, i have seen a lot of really great bands, a lot of... developing bands, if you will. so as it were i end up seeing a lot of crowds as well.

as most of you know i have been a concert junkie for years so i'm sure it comes to no surprise that i love standing in the crowded room listening to various artists scream it out on stage to their adoring fans below. however, i have recently become very intrigued with the crowd as well.

so, i live in LA. there are a lot of people in LA. a lot of really similar people trying to be really different. most people "kindly" refer to them as hipsters. you can usually know exactly where to find them (in Silverlake, of course) and you know them the instant you see them. last night the 110 and 101 must have been shut down to a mass pilgrimage of all of Silverlake's 18-30 year olds as they headed toward club nokia in downtown. why you ask?

band of horses.

i love this band. i love that they sing in a slightly eerie way. i love that half the time i have to go to lyricsmania.com to figure out what they are saying. i even love that people use the song 'no one's gonna love you' as a wedding song even though its definitely a break up one. anyhow, i ended up winning some free tickets to the show last night (which was wonderful since it was a comp free show and alllll of my resources had been exhausted) and couldn't have been more thrilled. i haven't been able to see this band before now and have always really enjoyed them.

they performed great. it was one of the first shows i have seen in a long time where the musicians actually looked like they were having fun. the only other show i have seen recently that was like that was my friend jonathan of Vienne. anyhow, you are probably thinking, 'what does all this rambling have anything to do with hipsters... and cowboys???

well, simply, that is exactly what band of horses is. they are hipster cowboys. and, quite frankly, geniuses. they have managed to tap into the 'trendy' crowd who prides themselves as being better than others because they listened to the album before it was released on radio AND they can play country music.

well done, gentlemen.

i will be the first to admit that i am one to turn my nose up at anything country music related. i only recently have started embracing the idea of cowgirl boots... and that's probably just because every single other girl on the planet has them and well, i'm in LA... nothing country about us.i digress. but those scruffy gentlemen from seattle won me over. in fact, they won everybody over. everyone in that room, from the 10th grader with braces who probably had to beg and plead with mommy dearest to go to downtown LA on a school night, to the awkwardly drunk mid-thirties couple who insisted on trying to procreate while at the show. everyone was in to it.

while i don't recommend being the awkward 'let's have sex' couple at a show, i do recommend that you try to make it out to a band of horses set. they have exquisite stage presence along with a very well timed set list. so go ahead, mosey (oh gosh, they really have turned me to the dark side) on over to ticketmaster.com and find your next show. it will be worth the 30 dollar ticket price plus 17 dollars in fees. i mean, come one, it's not like you could have filled up your oversized SUV on 47 dollars anyways. might as well go see a good show.

in emotastic news, dashboards new album releases today. i would recommend that as well. save it for a rainy day. or a good bottle of wine.

a little humor

2009-11-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

so i stumbled across this while perusing the interwebs...

check out this article

all you anonymous commenters out there beware! the government is coming after you...

i guess we should just all follow that little golden rule: if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

OR

if you aren't going to be nice, at least have a backbone, right?

more writing of "substance" later.

it changed my life

2009-11-03T08:26:00.000-08:00

i was recently accused of saying "(insert subject) changed my life!" too much, and in doing so making the statement trite.

i disagree.

things should change our lives. every part of every day adds to the lives we live and the story we will one day tell. i'm not going to go on some rant about how everything happens for a reason and what that means, but i do think its important to take a moment and sit back to think about the things that have defined your journey.

i hope that i as i continue through life i will be open to the beautiful chaos that is life and let it shape me appropriately. i look forward to the 'life changing' moments that forever remain imprinted on my memory.

it's a new day, let's embrace it.

in motion.

2009-10-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

every time that i not sitting down at my computer i am thinking about the multitude of things i want to write about. then i sit down, moleskin open, coffee on hand, and nothing. i sit and stare at this blinking cursor. it taunts me. ha.

i'm not sure why this is, why i have so many thoughts rolling around in my mind. some of which, i actually completely think through to the point of specific word choice. and then? nothing.

i suppose i will start with merely recapping the last couple of weeks and see where that leads.

i attended my father's memorial service. one word really describes the event: bizarre. not bizarre in a way that i was so welcomed and i felt so much a part of my father's most recent life... but bizarre in every other possible way. the service itself was conducted by a pastor who used the word 'resurrected' during the "sermon" and not in regards to jesus.... he also informed us that if we were willing (which i was not, clearly. ha.) we could invite keith into the room and that we could be with him, there. More importantly, with his presence we could then talk to him and he would talk back. what? yeah...

as i watched the dvd of his 'life' i see pictures of his wife and two miniature greyhounds (i think that is what they were ... anyhow). i see no pictures of me, which is fine being as which i'm not particularly sure what i would have done had there been pictures of me. the family of his wife was all sitting in front where i chose to sneak in with a +2 and sit in the back. my goal was to be neither seen nor heard. i almost accomplished both. for all of you readers that know me well, no i didn't say anything that i instantly regretted, ha... but his wife turned and spotted me. that was the point at which i took advantage of the Lord's prayer and ran for the hills.

attempting to wrap my brain around all that has happened is nearly impossible and sometimes i wish i could just stop trying. but i can't. i have to work through this, i have to find a place where i understand 'enough' and where his actions no longer ruin my sleep or my relationships.

it's a wild ride.

the idea that i am 23 and have no parents left on the planet. the idea that i am literally the only person left in my family. the thought that an entire clan of people legitimately believe this was my fault. knowing that while his past and present haunted him, he gave up on any chance of a future: to mend things with me and others, to walk me down any aisles or hold the hands of my one-day children. it's a strange set of thoughts to try and sort through, as you can see.

i find myself feeling like i should take the fall. like perhaps, i should just say 'yes. it's my fault.' my logic (being skewed, clearly) but none the less, finds me willing to take the blame so that i can feel as though the case is closed and no one will talk about it anymore.

that doesn't really work.

i see this transfer into most, if not, all of my relationships. in situations where i am legitimately not to blame, i throw myself under the bus just so everyone will shut up about it. maybe this stems from the desire to please my father growing up, as a way to earn his approval by just admitting something was my fault and not his... (that sounds disgusting and twisted doesn't it... ugh, it is) i have done this with friends. where i would find myself just saying, 'you're right. i'm the bitch. totally my fault' just so it stops. i don't think of this really as a way to avoid dealing with the root of the issue... i guess its just a tactic i use on people who don't understand the weight of their actions on others (and who unfortunately probably never will), or the fact that whatever issue they are fussing over is really a non-issue. i could take this opportunity to call out every person in my life who i felt has been selfish and received the use of the aforementioned method, but it's not worth it. we have all been there. we have all been selfish.

but this is what i think is really most important:

we are called to be love.

called to show love in this world.

love doesn't always look the same and i'm not claiming that i have it all figured out. this however does not excuse me from showing it. for me, with my father, i don't know that i could tell you what love looked like. with some of my friends, love is me pulling out of their lives. love is coffee dates and text messages. mixed cd's and postcards.

however love looks to you i pray you embrace that inward and make it a part of your being, so that you can then spread it outward. we live in a broken world (as my father's passing shows) full of selfish intentions and selfish distribution of love... just give it away. you will never run out of love to give. don't be selfish with it. it's not worth it... the outcomes for 'the unloved' far out weigh any perceived emptiness you may feel if you give all your love out. it's not possible. just give.

per usual this blog started in point A and ended... i don't know where. but here we are, welcome to the chaos.

the resolution.

2009-10-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

i will dissect parts of this later, but for now... this is where i am at.

There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
But I think I'm letting go
To find my body is still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast
And I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
'Til the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone
I can hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I feel

That I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

You hold me down
You hold me down
I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness

I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light, I need light

when finally set free

2009-10-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

disclaimer: this blog is going to be a little/lot of all of the following things:

heart wrenching
mildly depressing
frustrating
unapologetically referencing copeland lyrics
ready? ready.

my father committed suicide yesterday.

yeah.
i haven't spoken to him (in a lengthy, equalized conversation) in over 7 years. i haven't seen him since at least that long. most of my friends don't ever remember me talking about him, or mentioning him in a way that was a positive influence in my life. he left behind a wife (not my mom, clearly) of ten years. i found all of this out on facebook. well, his neighbor found me on facebook and notified me that there had been a 'family' emergency and that i was to call my step-mother to find out what was going on. to be honest, i have been waiting for this call (or a call notifying me of some sort of occurance) for a long time. my father had a severe drinking problem and while i am told he had stopped in recent years, my only recollections of him were stumbling, slurring or drinking.

i don't say these things to slander him or taint his memory. honestly, there is little to taint as i have spent all of my adult life, and a good portion of my adolescent life as well, without him. i say this only to paint a picture of where my mind is... trying to create a line from point a to b, to try and attempt some form of 'sense' from this. i don't know the person he was in his most recent history. i never learned the potential for love he had. i'm not saying those qualities didn't exist... i just never experienced them. i find myself in a strange emotional space where i'm not sure what i'm 'supposed' to be feeling... there are no real rules for this stuff.

as i sit at my desk ( i know, i know... why are you at work... whatever) i try to figure out what could have been the final straw. what could have pushed him over the edge. i try to put my mind in the emotional space he was in. try to wrap my mind around such an intense feeling. i have little doubt that those closest him place some blame on me... claiming i never gave him a chance, that he really loved me and i just shut him out. perhaps there is truth to that, however i believe matters such as these are bigger than simply one person. i try to figure out why, in his final act, he was yet again leaving a family behind.

my mother fought for her life. my father gave his away. i remember while my mom was battling cancer, doing everything she could to stay on this earth to love me and nourish me and be the mother she was made to be, thinking to myself, 'i just don't understand why it had to be my mom... i mean, she didn't do anything wrong....' i also wondered why my dad got spared. i know, i sound terrible. give me a break, i was seventeen and angry.

he wasn't spared. he may not have had cancer (or maybe he did and no one told me, also a strong possibility) but his anguish was just as terminal, just as aggressive.

i am frustrated that little jonny baggett lost his battle to leukemia and it's related effects and(i feel) my dad threw up the white flag.

i am frustrated that everyday people fight for cures, fight for health, fight for help and he felt like he couldn't be touched by any of that.

and quite honestly, it just breaks my heart.

i don't have much beyond that. i don't really think much is needed beyond that.

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again

we have time to start all over again. i wish we would all remember that. remember that everyday hold the potential for new and beautiful things. i choose to believe that with every darkness comes new light. i don't know what will come of this after the pain subsides, but i don't need to know. i just need to believe.

i left the comment space open, but please do not feel the need to sympathize... i didn't write this for attention or forced sympathy, more or less because its how i process.

taking you down, one parcel at a time.

2009-10-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

i have a variety of tasks i do throughout the day. mail, statistically, is one of people's favorite things to do during the day(really, it's true). not me. the postal workers responsible for our specific postal area are, well, lacking. we get more mail for other people than i have ever experienced. i mean, we have been in our office for almost a year now. it's time to move on people. if you don't have their new address, it's probably because they don't want you to have it.

which brings me to why i hate processing the mail...

i have asked nicely.
i have placed nicely worded stickers on each individual letter, magazine, and package.
i have called the head post office for our region.

and what happens? i get the EXACT same pile of mail i have ALREADY asked to be 'returned to sender'placed neatly in my box with the SAME rubberband i used.

it's on.

below you will see my small, futile, and yet liberating response:

this is the original pile of mail that has nothing to do with us:

this is my somewhat polite response to the misdirected mail:

my less than polite response (take 17) to the postal service:

(reads, "Dear USPS, this mail wasn't ours the first time you gave it to us. it's still not. thanks")

yeah, i'm that receptionist.

ACL success

2009-10-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

update and flash forward.

2009-10-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

well hello, today.

i hope this finds you well. i have not been nearly as much of a presence on here as i wish i were... here's one more effort, ha. in the last week or so a lot has happened, and a lot of nothing has happened. i suppose it is all in how you look at it; how we evaluate our days and their value.

so, update:
i'm 23. i feel it will be a good year. one that when i'm 97 i'm say to myself, 'dang 23 was a good year'. maybe it's because i can't help but hear jimmy eat world's '23' in my head.... secretly believing they wrote it for me knowing i would one day be 23. anyhow.

i'm going to austin this weekend ( i guess that would technically fall under the 'flash forward' portion of this but whatever, my blog, my rules)

i am still working two jobs and sleeping too little.

flash forward (the part actually worth reading, at least i think so):

i love thinking about the future. love love love it. i do it almost all day in fact (while multitasking on a few different calendars and calls, etc) i don't know if its because i have a tendency to think about things on a grand scale with an epic soundtrack or because i find so much hope in it. probably a little of both.

last night,i had a brief conversation with a friend about hope. Although i revealed that my hope is very segmented in my life ('nother blog for 'nother time) i still love hope. it's, in my opinion, inherently joyful and we all know how i feel about joy. i LOVE it.

anyhow, while pondering my many potential adventures in life i often try to overpack the agenda and purpose. for example, let's say i want to go on a road trip. this road trip would go from the basic: i want to leave los angeles and drive to nashville. to the extreme: i will drive all over the country finding every tiny coffee shop, homeless person, dairy queen, hometown hero and best indie band ALL while figuring out the greater purpose of life and how i must hold the key to that.

you see what i mean? i dream a lot. ha.

so what's the point? well, i'm not really entirely sure BUT the thought process that brings me here is this: i was talking to my best friend last night and she said to me, 'mallory, you need to go on a road trip all over the country and write about your findings and your music and how they all interact' there were some other elements to this grand scheme that i may, if you're lucky, reveal at a later date. i love this idea. i would love to quit all jobs (or, put them on hold... like summer vacation for the working world) and go on an adventure embracing the road, life and music. yeah, it might be a little 'into the wild' meets 'elizabethtown' but whatever.

i want to do this. or something like this. it wakes up my soul to think of the adventure and possibility. while this particular task might not inspire you, i hope that you find something that does.

i hope that you find adventures in life and jump at the opportunity to take them. we are shaped by both the mundane and the meaningful in life. we journey along and pick up little pieces of ourselves everywhere we go. i hope you go a lot of places and find a lot of yourself.

have a great day, everyone.

be love.

OH! before i forget, i know a few of you like to put together playlists of new tunesies so here are my top few lately:

dominoes - the big pink
love is all i am - dawes
darlin to not fear - brett dennon
gold and warm - bad veins
all the pretty girls - fun.
dreamy eyes - lowlight

surround yourself in all that is positive.

2009-09-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

lately, i have been sad. not depressed, walking around with too much black eye liner and copeland blaring loud enough that everyone on the street can hear every word clearly through my head phones, but just ordinarily sad.

my solution to this? putting positivity and reminders of joy everywhere. so in my attempt to do said task...

i offer you four feel good words: your life is about to instantly get better.

1. sprinkles! (seriously how can you think of sprinkles and NOT smile and get giddy!!!)

2. cupcakes! (i ditto my above sentiment)

3. candy corn (I LOVE OCTOBER!)

4. snail-mail (i realize i cheated by hyphenating but it's my blog so i can do what i want)

okay... i realize i am easily excitable but still, i think it's really important for us to find the simple joys in life that remind us of all that is beautiful in the world. i challenge you to think about what some of your feel good words are, then use em! i also will leave you with a couple feel good pictures! i know... how did you get so lucky? well you are welcome in advance.

some of my most recent confections. <3. and yes, i'm nerdy enough to use my fancy camera to take pictures of cupcakes in my kitchen.

track six.

2009-09-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

i was recently given a new mix (thank you, by the way) and have been listening on repeat. sometimes i just really need newness... over and over and over again.

one of the songs in the playlist is "i just don't think I'll ever get over you" by Colin Hay (this version sang by The Rocket Summer). i haven't heard this song in a very, very long time. i had forgotten how much i love it. this time however, i realized i hear it differently. dont worry, hopefully this "new approach" to an old favorite won't spark 15 comments worth of anonymous rage... anyhow.

i have recently had to break ties with a handful of friends. whether this is due to distance or politics or just life moving and changing in different directions, it has been a new experience for me. i have a tendency to hold on and (almost) force relationships/friendships; to maintain them when their time has run and their season has ended.

while this song was undoubtedly written about a long lost lover, the words i find, ring true in the majority of my relationships. here are few excerpts.

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years

Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

when i read these words i find so much love (ha, no rocket summer pun intended... i'm hilarious), and so much hope. i feel the love is clear to see, but the hope stands out to me. it is hidden in the history of the story. i think it reminds us of the imprint that everyone leaves on our lives. while i may not be able to speak with all of the closest friends i've ever had.... their place in my life will never be forgotten. i'll never get over them. they are a part of who i am.

this hope feels a little different than how i would typically think of it, but i like it. i find hope in the promise that our lives do matter. our interactions do make a difference. we are a relational people, made to be in community with each other. this song helps to remind me that i'll just never get over you.

i encourage you to invest in your relationships and interactions. some people we have just few moments to leave a mark on their lives while others we are blessed with years to shape our role within their story, either way i hope you are compelled to be love.

-m.

a lack of inspiration.

2009-09-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

leads me here. to minimal blogging and/or coherent thoughts (somewhat) worth sharing.

however, i did read this today:

"[Grizzly Bear is] an incredible band. The thing I want to say to everyone - I hope this happens because it will push rap, it will push hip-hop to go even further - what the indie rock movement is doing right now is very inspiring. It felt like us in the beginning. These concerts, they're not on the radio, no one hears about them, and there's 12,000 people in attendance. And the music that they're making and the connection they're making to people is really inspiring. So I hope that they have a run where they push hip-hop back a little bit, so it will force hip-hop to fight to make better music. Because it can happen. Because that's what rap did to rock."

- Jay-Z

this makes my heart warm my soul dance. i love seeing movement and growth within in the music industry. more so, i love artists appreciating artists. indie rock prevails.

you can catch the entire article here . check it.

what is inspiring you lately?

summer wrap-up: BE THERE

2009-08-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

good music. good people. good times. come out.

support falling whistles and plays well with others

seriously. your life will be better.

we are epic.

2009-08-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

as of late, i have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by some of the dreamers in this city. it has been an utter pleasure and gift to spend time around twenty-somethings who see where change is possible and not only acknowledge this opportunity but run towards it.

i went downtown last night to meet with a group of young hopefuls for a celebratory happy hour. while driving down the 10, i look east and see the beautiful skyline being humbled in size by the marine layer that covers the tops of the tallest buildings.

while at happy hour i take a moment to just be silent. as i sit around this table of movers i realize that we are truly epic. each one of us. we each have something within us that moves and grows and inspires. these qualities may not be the same in every person, i would argue, thankfully so. i listen as we discuss new business models for the music industry, how we can get people to focus on socially responsible organizations and the next big event in the works. i hear excitement and hope for a future full of informed, passionate people and i see light. i see love.

i challenge you to find what moves your soul and run with it.

also, check out this organization. they are based in LA and doing wonderful things: plus they play well.

songs of now.

2009-08-17T08:31:00.001-07:00

these are in no particular order, but you should find these. and listen.

[song : artist]
music now : frightened rabbit
boom : anjulie
on : bloc party
paperweight: joshua radin
america will break your heart : farewell flight
love check music game : clue to kalo
dance, dance, dance : lykke li
carry you : jimmy eat world
awaken my soul : mumford and sons
vanilla twilight : owl city
bands with managers : pedro the lion

that is a healthy sample. have a wonderful monday everyone. perhaps something of more substance to come. be love.

miss california.

2009-08-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

happy anniversary, california. we have been happy together for one solid year as of today. i love you.

in honor, i feel as though i need to create a california themed top five. plus, i have really enjoyed doing them.

top five:
1. sleeping with my windows open every night
2. trader joe's. if he were a real Hawaiian shirt clad man, i would marry him.
3. rooftop concerts in downtown as the sun falls beneath the skyline.
4. venice beach. 'nough said.
5. driving the 101 with the windows down.

have a wonderful day everyone!

mvmt.

2009-08-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

i have this addiction with checking my own facebook profile and then editing it. often. i'm not sure its vanity or merely an attempt to out-wit myself. either way... i not so recently changed my interests to 'movement.'

i'm constantly on the move. the fact that i sit in a desk chair all day nearly kills me [even though i really like my job]. i work two jobs because i like going and going. i overcommit myself in a way that doesn't feel like overcommitting, but merely involvement. yesterday alone i was in three different parts of LA for three entirely different events. two of which were incredible [shameless plug: check out doyouplaywell.wordpress.com]. i love movement. but beyond the actual act of being hard to pin down because i'm constantly zipping from one place to another, i love the idea of movement. that something can grow and change and head in a direction and with that, impact people along the way.

love moves.

i was driving through the hills on the 101 yesterday, which has become one of my favorite past times lately. the way the western sun hits the hills and the highway as you descend and climb from hill to hill with the perfect soundtrack in the background ... reminds me how incredibly blessed i am. life is beautiful.

anyhow, as i was driving i was listening to copeland's 'in motion' album. im sure no one is surprised that i was listening to copeland, however i haven't listened to this album in a while and i had 'love is a fast song' on repeat. okay okay... love is a fast song AND you have my attention. i digress.

i wasn't always a huge fan of this song, if i'm honest. my junior and senior years of college though, this song kept popping up. there is a lyric in that song that someone once said to me and i love it. not because they said it to me, but because i think it paints a beautiful picture, and quite frankly, encourages me.

'my heart is in motion for the movement that's in you'

we are called to move. to make change. to be love. to impact our world.

it's an incredible undertaking to be people of movement. to not only be active in your every moment, absorbing the beauty and chaos of this world, embracing new people and ideas, but to take that with you and towards your next destination.

i'm up to it. let's go.

p.s.: ty, you are the nicest anonymous commenter i have had on my blog in a while, thanks for stopping by!

top five take two.

2009-08-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

1. riding my bike around 11pm and seeing the marine layer engulf the tops of all our buildings... reminding us how small we really are.

2. incredible friends.

3. seeing jack's mannequin and the fray from VIP seats in a packed out amphitheater with my di.

4. the yellow bird project

5. the resolution.

los anjealous.

2009-07-28T19:45:00.005-07:00

as i'm nearing my one year mark in the great city of angels i find myself even more driven and inspired to take the world [or at least this city] by storm.

with that said, i want to take this moment to say, live your life.

your life.

the one that involves all the things you are passionate about.

i have little doubt that i am supposed to be here. i have little doubt that in my everyday encounters my God is teaching me and growing me. what fruition will that bring? i don't know yet, but i do know im excited about it. while i might not be able to answer, 'well what does working at so and so company have anything to do with what you want to do' or 'so wait... you bake... and want to own your own coffee shop one day... so why do you work in the music industry' i can tell you this: i'm home. i'm happy. i'm here.

i thinking 'being' wherever you are is really important. not in the sense that you are physically taking up space but rather that your mind is actively engaging everything that has to do with where you are. I will even go as far as to say this even filters into what you are doing. we all have moments where it is much easier to turn into a robot with no emotion or purpose behind our actions simply because we are tired and it feels played out, but it is those moments which are so important. we each have small opportunities everyday to make change. no, i might not be solving world hunger overnight. no, i may not be mother teresa or princess di.

but i am one. i am me.

i have the ability to impact.

in a city that is constantly in motion [or at least trying to be... traffic, ugh] if you blink you might miss something big. this city is moving and growing and begging for change. change on the micro level. and i want to be a part of it. in order to be a part of that change, i need to be here, in it's truest sense. so with that said, i encourage you to do the same.

we all have a history and that will be forever a part of us. but we are in the now. we have this moment, right now, to live our lives. to impact those around us. to be love.

i'm yours.

clarity.

2009-07-25T08:00:00.002-07:00

embrace the chaos.

top five [for today]

2009-07-21T17:14:00.002-07:00

these are things i like right now. and very well may change tomorrow. or in the next seven minutes.

1. owl city: ocean eyes.
adam young: "Being a normal guy involved in average everyday scenarios, I find it really interesting to write about typical, mundane things in somewhat "idealist" ways. I'm a daydreamer and a total optimist and I suppose that fuels the way I write more than anything."

2. it's a grind coffee house in westwood.
toasted plain bagel with peanut butter and an iced latte.

3. jesus.
won't change and pretty self-explanatory. also no specific reason as to why he is number three.
subpoint: i like listening to realityLA podcast while biking

4. my new bike.
i'm awkward and athletically challenged as well as fight often with gravity. gravity wins.
my bike is cute.

5. fragmented sentences.
done.

what are your top five? or should i say four... since one of them is CLEARLY reading my blog :]

default

2009-07-17T08:33:00.004-07:00

"i think people like him because his default setting is open delight."

(kelly corrigan, The Middle Place)

this is magic. we stumble across people all the time. we find them in coffee shops, the grocery store, our office, the gas station, our apt complexes. we cross paths with handfuls of fellow human beings on a basis that is much more than regular. some we look at, others we stare at our feet. maybe for one we hold the door but then next time we are in just too much of a hurry.

what is your default?

do you approach people (and situations for that matter) with grace, ready to be a part of someone's epic story of life? are you too busy? do you shoot them a smile or glare at them because of whatever may have happened in your life five minutes prior?

i want my default to be delight. or something very similar to the 'open delight' referred to earlier. i want to be able to embrace everyone i encounter with a sense of joy and genuine curiosity in not only what is going on in their lives, but who they are.

i think that your 'default setting' reveals a lot about your character. i believe that it is possible to recover from a bad 'first impression' and i understand that we as people aren't always on our A-game, however.

where our heart is lies our default. if we are insecure, arrogant, vain, or humble these traits bleed into our every actions. i'm not claiming i have a perfect combination of traits that would then form to combine the perfect character default. I do think though, if we all take a step back every once in a while and look at who we are on default, we may be able to catch a glimpse of our character, the character that everyone else sees.

each person we encounter deserves a moment. we each deserve a chance. whether they are your best friend or someone who has deeply hurt you. these moments are entirely dependent on your default... our character steers us when we are too tired or hurt to put a good face on and play the role. where does your character, your default, lead you?

i am hoping my default is something similar to open delight. Hope in a future encounter is really great, but there needs to be more than mere hope for change. i am making the choice now. a choice to move towards a place where i can embrace all with love and enthusiasm. by default.

because.

2009-07-13T11:11:00.009-07:00

'sing with your head up, with your eyes closed.
not because you love the song, but because you love to sing.'

i used to love this lyric. because i would sit back and think, 'YES! finally, someone understands that you should do something not because of it's popularity , or the way it looks/sounds, or the way it makes you feel, but simply because it is something you love to do.

i recently found myself rethinking my opinion on this. why? i'm not particularly sure ... i suppose that as we live life we grow and change and challenge what we once thought. or maybe my mind was wondering and it was a random uncorrelated thought that has sparked hours of my own contemplation. either way, here we are. with a new perspective. a new spin.

i think sometimes we do need to sing strictly because we love the song. or, rather, we need to love because of what/who we love.... not just because we love loving.

i'm as guilty of this as the next person, but i feel like sometimes we just love loving so much that we do it because its an activity we enjoy. but what about the object of this love. what about the person you are practicing that activity of loving with... what if you don't actually love them... you just love loving them... then what? then what happens?

i suppose at this point i could venture off into a discussion as to what 'love' is and how in all actuality we are not really 'loving' in the above situations, but i feel like that is for a later date... mostly because i know most twenty somethings' [or at least the select few who read my blog] attention spans are going to be waning by the end of this post as it is and i'm not really sure we'll make it quite that far.

i think sometimes we sing things we don't like, but because we enjoy the act of singing. we keep singing because we see it as worth it to push through. this can be both a really wonderful thing, as well as something with the potential to be entirely unhealthy.

wonderful because we understand and endure the sacrifices involved with being passionate about something. we acknowledge that some things we love and love to do aren't always going to be the simplest or most convenient. that at times we must endure frustrations/irritations to reach the desired end goal... and it's worth it because we love it/them. right? quite frankly, that doesn't sound all that terrible. so what's the problem? we have always been taught that pushing through hard times builds character, can strengthen faiths, relationships. how could this be anything but wonderful?

this sucks because, well... the love gets lost somewhere between the giver and the intended receiver. it gets lost because the intention takes it and creates something that looks like love but really only ends up hurting. or worse yet, distorting the meaning of love to not only those involved, but others as well. being as which i'm having a hard time thinking of an example using the aforementioned musical references i suppose i'll just ignore my Methodist roots and skip the metaphor.

when we take the 'love' that we have for or towards something and fine tune it in a way that it meets only the required characteristics for your needs... then you aren't really loving at all. not wholly, or at the very least, sufficiently. it would be as though [ha, i thought of a metaphor, well simile i suppose] you took a song and sang it completely out of key (presuming you had an audience that was both captive and capable of hearing with both ears) because well, you can't reach all the other intended, required notes, or you didn't really feel the need to practice your craft in order to excel... you simply said, 'well, i like it this way. this way works for me and why should i have to work to please you because this is something i love to do.'

well that doesn't make much sense, does it? i mean, its one thing to occasionally blare your Kelly Clarkson with the windows down while car dancing (not that i would do that... however, kelly has got some pipes and her new album is worth a listen. skip track 9 though. i digress...). but its a completely different scenario when you decide to perform, or inflict, this kind of act of on a captive audience.

so what does this all mean?

honestly, i'm not sure i have an answer for that. even as i mull over this thought i find holes within my own arguments. exceptions to my rules. more side notes i could run off on from each point. i could turn this into a topic that requires more than one post, and i very well might end up doing that, but i think what i'm really trying to say... what i find the root of the issue is this:

it's a matter of heart. intent. purpose. love.

these things all work together for the greater good if you allow them to.

you have my attention

2009-07-12T08:33:00.003-07:00

this is my favorite song. of all time.

Quiet now, your voice seems miles away
Yet somehow, I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day
And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away

I’ll sing along
The whole day through
Just do your best to hear me
It’s all you can do

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while
Since that first day when you made my heart smile
With loving eyes and tired sighs that flow
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary
Speak but a whisper
I’ll hear a sermon

I’ll sing along, the whole day through
Just do your best to hear me
It’s all you can do
I’ll sing along, the whole night through
While you sleep safely
I’ll be thinking about you

You have my attention

i had the opportunity to hear this live again last night. i'm not sure i won't ever notice something new when i hear this song. there is something about the way the words intertwine so perfectly with the instrumentals that just forces my soul to move.

i love the simplicity of the love here. the simplicity in that there is no question that love exists, just that we are constantly on edge. waiting for it. begging for just a brief moment of that love. acknowledging that sometimes words aren't present, but that alone will speak volumes.

i love this.

i think sometimes we all just need to shut up. we just need to stop talking. stop making noise. just listen. for sometimes, the whisper brings a sermon. and within this sermon, this quiet moment, we will experience love. love far greater than our words are capable of illustrating.

my grand re-entrance

2009-07-07T17:21:00.003-07:00

so i haven't picked up my camera [lovingly referred to as bella] in... well, too long. yesterday i took the ol' girl for a run. here is what we found.

caroline brooks.

loyalty to loyalty

2009-06-23T10:03:00.005-07:00

warning: this is about to be a scathing and cynical post [geared mostly to the male gender]. proceed with caution.

i really, really want to believe that everyone is good. that everyone has the ability to choose kindness, respect and love. my beliefs are starting to appear more like swiss cheese as everyday they are shot down once again.

what ever happened to loyalty? what happened to the desire to hold one's word or carry themselves with dignity?

men: love your girlfriends. if you have a girlfriend do not flirt with other girls. let me restate that... in case you missed it. do not flirt with other women. period. end of discussion. seriously.

how disrespectful? not only to your girlfriend, but to the 'new, exciting' girl and for goodness sake, yourself! respect yourself enough to not be the scumbag guy who makes women swear off dating and move to burma to be a nun.

no, its not flattering to hear, 'i have a girlfriend... but i wish we had met sooner because you are so amazing.' no, it doesn't give any woman butterflies to hear, 'its just been so hard because my girlfriend is so far away.' no, women don't get all warm and fuzzy when we realize that you have been a complete tool to your girlfriend back home who is probably baking you cookies or making you some card with felt flowers and stickers to tell you how much she loves you.

so don't do it.

in all actuality, this is most likely what the girl is thinking when all of the a fore mentioned 'compliments' are received... 'wow, thank you... it is so nice to be that cheap piece of meat that happens to be convenient and entertaining just long enough for you to be a jerk to your girlfriend and for me to feel used.' [please read as though the previous statement was dripping with disdain.. because it is.]

i have a lot of guy friends. a lot. in fact, i tend to dislike women more then men [with this moment being one of the few exceptions]. and really, in all honestly, i can think of one of them that has not done anything deceiptful, or in any way whorish, in any of his relationships while he and i have been friends.

one person.
one.
seriously?

in an attempt to keep this post from getting any closer to a remake of 'john tucker must die' i will refrain from posting direct links to all of the men i have encountered who suck in relationships. however, listen up ladies... cause this parts for you.

respect yourself. be loyal to your friends. and help out humanity by not allowing guys to think this is okay. do you want to be 'the girlfriend that is just so far away'? or the girl that gets cheated on left and right because your boy has a wondering eye and 'well, in the end he always comes back to me'?

back to you? BACK TO YOU? really?

you deserve to never be left. you deserve to have him be by your side always, not because you need him to be, but because you want him to be. and more importantly, because he told you he wanted to be there as well.. not just when its convenient or when you are wearing a slinky black dress that is a slightly more scandalous than the girl with red pumps and shiny lip gloss on at the end of the bar.

i'm not saying that everyone should expect some prince charming to come riding up on a valiant steed or cruising up in a shiny beemer [hey, i am in la...] but come on. have some loyalty people. to your word. to your significant other. to yourself.

so you may be asking yourself, 'mal... you okay? little pissed? little heartbroken?'

well, the answer is yes. and no.
yes, i am okay. i'm actually just fine. my life has really changed little in the last year or so and i'm mostly content with that.
and no, because i'm not pissed. i'm not even heartbroken. i'm just utterly disgusted and disappointed. have some respect, people.

so here is where i leave you. i don't expect that this somewhat ridiculous post made any sort of dent in anyone's lives. however, i hope that maybe... just maybe you will think twice before being a jerk. and ladies, quit hiking your skirt up and pushing your boobs together. its really not as cute as you think, and if that's all they are attracted to in the beginning... well then... that's an entirely other discussion. email me.

so go out there and have some respect, people!

a new emergent?

2009-06-07T09:18:00.004-07:00

i recently stumbled across a video conversation between zach lind [of jimmy eat world] and nick [of nick and josh podcast] and it got me thinking again.

i used to say that i was definitely more on the 'emergent' side of church. what i meant by that? who knows... partially it seemed like the crowd i was in was moving that direction and i didn't really disagree with anything, on the other hand, i did in fact see discrepancies in the current church and the way that it could be.

in my opinion, the emergent 'movement' was an attempt to take the current american church and take it back to scriptures, back to the focus of what jesus intended for community to feel like. so in that attempt we gained new authors, new service times and new catch phrases like, 'gathering and conversation.' do i think these things are bad? no. i just think that sometimes in an attempt to refocus and capture a point... we still happen to miss the point.

here is an excerpt from Nick's blog:

"I can only speak for my group, but we left the church. We didn’t want to be in the reform game and we decided we would let the change come to the church as we gathered outside, if this wave hit the church, we would rush back in and embrace it, but we couldn’t deal with Christianity in it’s present state and these Emergent Conversations were our only way to hold on to Jesus at all."

If i am reading this correctly, and i would like to think that my aggie education is serving me well, they wanted to leave the church because it wasn't doing what they wanted... and hoped that the change would happen on its own and then strike the church... and then they would come back... right?

okay, perhaps that's simplifying it a bit much, but roll with me. the emergent movement was just that... a movement towards something. so, if you want a new way of looking at our world and our church, why would you pull yourself out of it and stop moving? it just seems backwards to me.

the problem isn't that we need to remove ourselves from the things we don't like. [please note that is not an absolute statement, merely one that pertains to this particular blog] we must be the change, push the movement within the organizations we see the problems. what good does removing yourself and starting your own new club do?

i've been reading, 'crazy love' by francis chan. now, i must be honest, i was VERY hesitant to start reading another pop christian book because, well, i got tired of reading all the emergent books that were so trendy and i just got a little cynical.... anyhow, i decided to read it and start a group study around it.

i have to say, chan has a point. he premises the book on the need to change the american church, but not because we don't like it... because we LOVE it. because it is something we care about, our faiths are something we care about, and we need to do all that we can to improve this institution.

i think that in a world where we are told, 'if you don't like something change it' we have somehow twisted that to mean, 'if you don't like something start your own whatever it was...' do i think invention and innovation are wrong? no. i just think that we use it as a default now... rather than a last resort. i could unpack that previous sentence but in an attempt to stay on track, i wont. anyhow... i think that perhaps we need a reminder every once in a while to take what we have and add our inventiveness, our motivations and our hearts to it.

and with this, we must be willing to endure the pain of being in a community that needs help. we are all broken, and so it follows suit that our communities would be as well. we need to move toward change with a sense of realistic idealism. we must know that we are broken, but that we have great potential for something more. our god created us this way. to be capable of amazing things for him. when we see something within our body broken we must not merely abandon ship and wait for someone else to fix it. it is our responsibility. our responsibility not only to ourselves and our community but to our god.

i have a tendency to end blogs with no resolution. oops. hope this made sense anyhow.

i'm a receptionist.

2009-06-01T15:33:00.003-07:00

there. i said it. now everyone that has been trying to make me justify my move to california can be fully aware that yes, i am a receptionist. and yes, i moved to LA to do that.

i have recently had the realization that my pride is far too wrapped up in my everyday work. i would try to sugar coat my job so that people back home would think, 'oh she's made it!' or 'oh look at all she has done!'. well, here you have it people. i'm an entry level employee who's primary focus is to answer phones, doors and get coffee. among other things.

the last couple of weeks have been hard. really hard. i lost a close college friend too soon, a dear friend's little bro has been really sick, and work has been kicking my butt. i was starting to feel really unappreciated and completely incompetant. i mean, get your own coffee.

previously i would get very frustrated about how i was expected to treat certain clients would be as if they were royalty. i mean, i understand that people are very talented, and 'extra important' but i guess my lack of ever being star-stuck [with the exception of copeland... i know] has kind of started to be a problem for me.... mostly because i'm like, 'we all wipe our butts the same way, what makes you so special?'

so this is the conclusion i have come to:

fix your attitude, mallory.

so where does this bring me? it brings me to a place where i can recognize that i have an incredible opportunity to serve the people that step into this office. everyone i encounter, whether at work or on the streets, should be treated with the upmost respect and i should willingly want to serve them.... no matter what.

so that is what i am going to do. i'm going to take each moment of my day, and rather then wasting so much energy on how it irritates me, just be a bottle of sunshine.

while many of the tasks i do fall outside the realm of 'receptionist' none of them fall outside the realm of character, and because of that... i will try harder.

trust love. pt. 2

2009-05-12T15:48:00.003-07:00

i have recently been re-contemplating this idea of love.

i know, again.

however, love breaks my heart. why you ask? because we're missing it. we are missing the point.

i hear so many stories of 'well so and so hates such and such because she just won't leave her boyfriend alone and they are in love and so and so should just mind her own business'

right. so, if i'm reading this right.... love spawns hate. right?

wrong.

we are missing the point.

love is not something that is contrived or exclusive. love is nonsensical. love is not in competeition with ... anything. love wins. love is.

so why all the drama around it?

i wish i could answer this. i just feel like perhaps the answer lies deep within us. where is it that this 'love' we experience comes from? and why are we so protective over it?

love is supposed to be one of the greatest forces on earth. our Creator wove love into every ounce of our being and environment. so if we have love... then why is our natural response to protect with actions that reflect the opposite?

i don't have answers for any of this. only that it makes my heart hurt. love is a gift. it is from our God, who is by definition Love.

trust that. trust love.

slightly less contrived.

2009-04-28T15:59:00.005-07:00

i'm a fan of the candid moments. the conversations full of words that contain no more than two or three syllables. the moments that flow and move organically.

i have found that these moments have become fewer and farther between.

i find myself in conversations with words used strictly to persuade and inform. conversations with purpose that is greater than just the small group that is having it. conversations meant to create change and induce movement.

let's just sit, for once.

let's just stop using our pristine vocabulary. let's stop trying to win our case or sell our point. let's stop moving beyond ourselves. for just one moment.

let's begin talking. talking to each other, not at each other. let's allow the language we use to create a bridge of understanding as opposed to barrier put up to keep distance.

i often crave depth. moments where i can sit and argue and unfold issues and political matters. matters of philosophy, religion, race. but can we truly know depth if we abandon all moments of the [seemingly] mundane?

if we don't stop to listen, stop to be in the moment... we are all just talking heads. moving no where. and moving no where, alone.

it's okay to not have it all figured out. in fact, i prefer it that way.

a place called home

2009-04-22T09:54:00.002-07:00

when people ask where my home is i have always had a hard time answering that. whether it be because the only 'home' i ever knew left almost 4 years ago now... or because i knew i didn't want college station to be home.

when i moved out here the answer was 'well, i spent my formative years in dallas/fort worth... but i don't know if that is home'

now the answer is, 'los angeles.'

if you were to ask me 8 months ago if i thought LA would so quickly become 'home' i would have probably said... 'well i hope so but who knows.' after my most recent visit to texas i realize it is in fact home.

i love many hearts in texas and i hope they visit often, i however... i will make my appearances there scarce.

i have felt little comfort as great as the one i experience when my plane dives through the smog and lands safely at LAX.

this is my life now. i work in a place i love. everyday i learn and grow in my job. everyday i learn and grow as mallory. it's not necessarily glamorous... but it's exactly mallory.

this is probably one of the lamest posts ever. oh well. i'm okay with it.

crash.

2009-04-02T15:18:00.003-07:00

so i have finally reformatted my blog. well, the template at least. i suppose this was my feeble attempt at letting you all [my .3 readers] know that i haven't died, nor have i forgotten about this blog.

crash.

this one word has recently started to take on new meaning for me. i don't know where the new found intensity for this word came from, but hey... i'll go with it.

i want to crash.

i want to crash into every relationship. crash into my everyday. crash into passions.

i feel like we all say that we want our lives to mean something, our actions to hold water... bare weight... so crash. crashing is an action with gravity; with purpose.

waves grow as they near the shore [i'm sure that's not the most scientific explanation, however it works to serve my purpose] until they reach a breaking point. a point in which they can no longer contain themselves and they forcefully crash into the beach carrying with them sediments and little sea things along with the air they swallowed on their decent.

this is what i want to do.

i want to be filled with life and passion to an extent to which i can't help but crash into everything i'm doing. and once i crash, i bring a little bit of each journey with me.

i recently [relatively speaking] blogged about the soundtrack to my life. this idea of a soundtrack means that several different artists come together to musically paint a picture of the larger picture. they each contribute their interpretation of what this life/idea is all about to create a cohesive, larger whole.

this is who we are to be. compilations of all the events and moments in our lives. we are to grow and learn in each of our interactions, our set backs, our triumphs. and we should grow with purpose; forcefully crashing through all that we do rather than simply allowing things to be... or mechanically 'surviving' each day.

there will be moments in life where it's easier to just slowly, effortlessly go through the motions of our each day simply to make it to the next. i challenge you to crash. we are beautifully and wonderfully made beings with passions and desires that sometimes words fail to describe. we are meant to crash. crash into love. crash into life.